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Thursday, December 18, 2014

Chad had a birthday!

http://www.smilebox.com/playBlog/4e4445334d7a59784f54593d0d0a&blogview=true

( CLICK THE LINK ABOVE TO SEE AWESOME VIDEO ABOUT...CHAD...ok its not that awesome, but it IS about Chad LOL)

Chad had a birthday and we were so busy and on the go,go,go  that the very best we were able to pull off on his actual birthday was a home cooked lasagne, some home made carrot cake with cream cheese icing! I know it doesn't seem like a lot but TRUST me when your a family of 7 on the go ALL THE TIME...this was a friggen miracle! haha

I decided to make him this little video too just for fun the other night when he was at hockey...since it really didn't take long and really now, who doesn't love a little picture montage to sappy ol sweet country diddy!

On a regular and boring note, I plan to have a really mellow afternoon since I got a work out done (arre class done this morning at 9 am was AWFUL...it a fab way) and I  did do three runs this week, so Yvette and I are going to take the time when all the kids are in school ( all 2.5 hrs) and cross my fingers to do as little as my guilt will let me...so that means I will still do laundry make all the beds and get meat marinating for supper ( since we left at 8:30 for class none of this got done)..and ok I will have to take a shower since I smell....BUT I hope to read this new book I got! I have been super into funny lady books, like ALL the Chelsea Handler books...(hey are so awful and so stinking funny that it should be mandatory for any 18 plus women to read them.) As well, Tina Fey, Ellen, and now " Yes Please" by Amy pooler! Super pumped for at leat an hour...ok at least 30 min of quiet-ish reading time!!

I posted a link to the little video here, I hope it works, I have never really posted stuff like that before, I am just all bla bla bla and thats it...here lets see!

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Busy...and happy

I keep saying that I am running around spinning in circles these last few weeks...which is pretty true.

I was going to explain the events of our day last Saturday on a ranting blog and then I decided not too, because I actually really hate being negative! hahaha! I KNOW! What Aleaha? You have a blog that spurs negative thoughts on life and love and kids and friends and family and YOU hate being negative...* shoulder shrug* call me misunderstood, haha but I do hate to dwell on it... However,  I decided I am going to share my last Saturday with you all then make a few quick comments on it...

Ok, so this year has been out of control and I am sure its only going to get worse so we are simply getting accustomed to a new pace of life again, we are trying to ease into..what do I mean?

I mean for the first time ever, all 5 kids are in at least one outside of school activity, not to mention all the school ones and birthday parties and playdates and general maintence  (dentist, doctors etc).
Chad and I each have a special " thing" we do to make us happy ( hockey, dancing, running etc) So we are FLAT out on literally every day. We just kind of talk about out game plan the night before, wake up in the morning, grab our assigned kids and set of car keys ( the keys you grab depend on what the activity entails or what other kids we are toting)

SO last saturday was...a gooder... Yvette dances at 9am. I take her drop her off, come back home. Chad has to take Coy to hockey, he's getting him fed and dressed in gear. I have to pick Yvette up at 9:45.  The twins have a birthday party to go to at noon that we haven't bought a gift for yet.

9:45: The twins, Mia and i go pick up Yvette...but its viewing day! So we get there a bit early and we all are quietly ( haha, yeah right) and respectfully ( haha...kind of, if you call cat calls from Reed respectful to a bunch of 3 year olds?)

10:00 I take the 4 kiddos to the store to buy a gift. I won't explain more. If your a mom Im sure you get the idea about just how fun this can be at at times.

10:30 get home to snack. Mia has dance at 11:15.

11:00 leave to take Mia to dance and bring twins and yvette since we have to drop off the twins at a birthday party at noon...it will be close! Pull up to the door and make Mia get out and walk in with a mom friend Stacy and her daughter because its sunders kids family christmas at Holy Trinity today and the parking lot is a NIGHTMARE...ok ditch my biggest with another mom, haha, back home to wrap present.

( In the meantime I call chad to confer on Coys hockey status and if they are going to buy groceries while they are down town and what time we will be home to to a kid swap.  I have Play practice this day at 2:30 and so I will grab the twins early from the party, drop them off at home and go to practice.)

Noon: Pick up Mia at dance...oh yes its viewing day!! Ok  we watch quietly ( haha) and respectfully! True this time, no cat calls from the peanut gallery of Reed and Ryley.

12:05: RACE ( safely) to the YMCA to drop of twiners to get home to shower and make lunch.

OPPS. Silly Aleaha...this is not a drop off party. You have to stay with the kids. OMG. I have Yvette and Mia as well...looks like we are all staying and the hostess very kindly gets a place for the girls...awe. Was very sweet. The party was fantastic but I have to say this....it felt like being at a rave bar with a bunch of drunk 5 year olds.

The room was small and quite warm...there was food, and presents of course and regular party fare...and then Elsa came!! ( Princess Elsa of course)
THEN a balloon maker came!!
THEN a Zumba instructor came!!

I should clarify all in a matter of 15 minutes we had Zumba dancing pre schoolers ( to VERY LOUD zumba music)  holding ( ok mostly popping) ballon creations...we had games of hot potato on the go, we had princess trying to pose for pictures we had parents trying to calm the screams and tears of the children who's balloons had popped...we had the singing of happy birthday, the eating of cake, the trying o get new ballons to replace popped ones in a line that just never got smaller...it was a great and amazing effort from the parents to squeeze so much fun into such a short time but all this fun and passion from these kiddos was enough to make my brains ooze out ears...at 1: 45 we had to get the heck outta there...WHOA. It was intense.

So we raced home and beat Chad and Coy...they came home shortly after and I had to leave for practice. Chad decided he was going to play hockey so he pack dup all the kids and took them with him to the arena! ha! I don't even know the details of that but I can only imagine...I left for a few hours to sing and have a creative release, haha! Then it was right back home 2 hours later...Had dinner, got people in the tub, did general clean up ( laundry dishes etc)  and then at 9pm sat down for the first time all day and took a deep breath.

This wasn't even our worst day so far...it was actually a good one because our schedules matched and everyone made it to their assigned activity and commitment and we got to spend some family time after dinner ( in the midst of cleaning and such)

So this was a good day. A busy day but good. We have had a few awful ones mixed in here with missed appointments, forgotten activities, wrongly placed activities, and things we have just had to cancel or miss due to life being so full.

In the midst of busy life and for the sake of wanting to be the hostess and see all my loved friends, I had a party last night. It was a lot of fun /work...  Dear friends came and it was an amazing time and I loved seeing everyone and visiting and I like opening my house to people. HOWEVER (aha,) I have just taught myself a valuable lesson. I think now, at this stage in the game is not the time to be the hostess. It kind of puts some undue pressure at a time where there is more than enough of that to go around. I think I am a hostess by nature and I love to be surrounded by people but I think that last night was my last big shin dig for a while. It pains to be say so but I am just going to have to stick to small intimate dinners or quiet nights in with the kids because with all the regular spinning in circles I don't think my mental state can handle more, lol!  There is also a small element of disappointment when at the last minute people just don't show up, cancel at the last minute or make other plans and forget. I know we are all busy and have a million things on the go, so to be respectful to my own self and my own family, its to much disappointment for so much work.k ;)   ( there is my negative rant)

I think that might come across as selfish ( your the one the wanted the party and now your complaining and not doing any more?? what? how does this make sense?)  I guess all I am saying is that for the last few years, its been easy to sleep in on a sunday ( not with 7:30am hockey the next day) Its been fun to go shopping and cook and clean for expecting company! I love it! BUT now when your running all over town, squeezing in hockey with shopping and cooking treats at 2 am because you don't want to admit failure and cancel your party. I hope that in some time when things settle down or we get to a new phase I can get back into it....I want to have a dinner club in the future and I want to have people over for parties and I want to always show my kids that being together with our friends and family is the best place to be....but just not for the next few months maybe! haha!

That said...I am off to clean up my house, go to the store and then off to dance practice!
Keep in keeping on and trying to get used to a new pace and a new way of our days...so busy but happy...and just have to learn to be happy with not being...entertaining! :)
xoxo

Friday, November 14, 2014

No marathon

Well...I will be quick today because well there is a lot on the go and a lot to do and honestly a lot to talk about but this moment isn't exactly right to be chatty! ( Yvette is screaming from the bathroom and I have to get lunches made for kindergarden and then finish painting my stark case...yeesh)

Chad has had some frightening health concerns as of late and we have been working on trying to see wants going on. One night after a run , or mores during a run I had to take him down to emerge. Long story short they did an EKG among other things, I thought he was having a heart attack...well he has had follow up appointments and they believe he may have had a heart attack so he is off to see a specialist here in town. Turns out he may have an wheat allergy as well that has been a shocking revelation after some runs...its meant swollen face, shortness of breath, numbness...its been very scary to see both times its happened and it only happens when he has eaten before a workout? So he has been given medication for a heart issue as well as an epi pen in case he goes into Exercise-induced anaphylaxis...In the meantime...no running. No hockey. No shovelling snow and no stress. This means, no vegas marathon :(

For now....I am hopeful that Chad will be ok, he will bounce back and recover from whatever is going on in his body and we can cary on and fufill some of dreams and goals whatever those may be.

Heres to being hopeful that a marathon is still in our future, but how selfish! I mostly hope Chad is still in our future, I hope! haha...so I will write more another time and we will see what happens next  :)

Friday, October 24, 2014

MARATHON BACK ON

OMG....so....Chad feels despite all the recent health concerns that he would still like to run the Marathon in Vegas...clearly we will choose YES to the health insurance option this year, ha. It would seem our awesome Mom and Dad Frigon are still up for the challenge of watching the kids SO....it looks like i got that "new to me" iPod just in time and I better pick up the pace quick!

WE ARE GOING TO VEGAS BABY.....to run 42 KM. Holy.crap.



Thursday, October 23, 2014

Inspiration!

SO...the kids have been sick the last two days. Its not been ideal.

Haha, ok wait,  being sick is never ideal but its been a busy few days and I feel like we don't have time to be sick, haha!  Why can't the world just stop for 48 hours so we can watch cartoons, drink tea and be wrapped up under blankets together!

So, I was feeling a bit negative and I have been pushing it away and its been creeping up...not like monster negative but thinking things like this:

" My iPod broke and I haven't run in 6 days. I'm getting soft. I NEED to run. run. run.run. I gotta run it out. I NEED to run it out"

" The kids are all sick. I can't run. I can't go buy a 'refurbished' iPod. I can't run alone without music. waaah."

" I failed a test I took. I passed 4 like some kind of flipping untapped smarty pants, but failed one. Failed it miserably. I am an idiot. I'm so dumb. Why can't I just focus. Now I have to re-do it. Its another $200 and another trip to Edmonton. Oh Aleaha...you don't have time to study and do it again why couldn't you just get it right the first time!"

" I need to finish Mias birthday party to do list.  I hate birthday parties"

" Chad had another reaction while running. I am a bit scared. We have to cancel our marathon until we figure out whats wrong. Devestated. Hard work was worth it but no finale. oh well. I feel good?"

" Chad is working so hard these days. He's so busy. Seems stressed on his phone all the time. I hope he's not shouldering more than he should. People are so lazy. Chad works so hard. Eff these people, they are so lucky to have him. So are we...when he's here"

" STOP all this negative talk..."

" Quitting wine is going...not well."

" Quitting coffee is going...even worse"

" I haven't blow dried my hair in 4 days. I have no time to blow dry. Oh god, I'm " that" mom...in lulus and wet pony tails...sigh...oh in another life I would be in a what not to do column..."

" The play doh you made for kindergarten was crap. Gotta buy play doh. Don't have time to buy play doh. Send old mish mashed play doh from our own collection to school and look like " that" mom who didn't make the perfect play doh. Eff those moms. Why can't I be one...waaah"  ;)

Among many other nonsense things, these are things that are on play-repeat in my mind...That said just now I said them all out loud, I wrote them all down. Literally just this second, in this blog.

Well  you know what happened. I feel better. I feel like as I was writing them I was coming up with solutions to resolve them or to just leave them un resolved and just let it go. Send that crap play doh to school and get over it.  Re write the test. It has to be done. Study harder, book it and just go again...and again and again if I have too..which I might because GAWD I am awful at math.

So then as I was thinking of solutions I looked around my house and you know what. All my kids are sick. Yes, I know I said this, BUT...they are not throwing up. They are not crying. They are not pooping in their pants...They are not even whinging for love and attention. They are quietly playing on the iPad together. They are playing lego. They are colouring on the couch. My house, full of germs, is calm. This is so unusual for us, sickness has always meant projectile vomiting and crying moms with crying toddlers for hours on end. This is not the case and I suddenly feel really really happy. Awee....my babies are getting bigger. So are our germs! lol

THEN I read the Connect paper that was sitting in my office for a week while  I wait for the food in the oven to cook. A mom and blogger has an article in there and it was a wonderful read. She's accomplishing so much, she's gone from a successful blog to a successful career in communications right here in Fort McMuray! How inspiring! Then I went to check an email to see if the teachers got my messages about missed school and I saw that the film school in Vancouver sent our finished video to us today! It was written by a fellow classmate who lives in Edmonton, acted and filmed in a park in Vancouver and it was AWESOME to watch. It was fun to see it all completed! All the amazing memories and feelings from the week away all came flooding back and it was such a great 3 min moment in time!  I LOVED that experience, the people I met and cherish that week so much. What fantastic timing to get that email today when I was feeling soooo un-inspired! I am suddenly BACK!

All at once I am feeling less overwhelmed. Happier. Content and even ambitious?  So there it is. Gosh maybe I'm bi-polar but I was so blue, and sad...and now I feel remarkably better...I feel like I can at the very least, make it thru today in a much happier state of mind.

Thanks world, for giving me what I needed today. I appreciate it as does my husband who later will not have to hear this list rattled off right before bed ;)

Monday, October 20, 2014

and just like that...

I was having a bad morning...and then just like that can be snapped into the realization that life is so precious. Don't dwell on the nonsense and focus on the love, and family and the real friends....

 I just logged onto Facebook to read that a very special, wonderfully kind and loving girl whom I grew up with has suddenly passed away. She leaves behind two beautiful and young daughters. I am shocked, devestated.   I have had other friends pass away before but this stabbed at my heart in a way that I haven't felt in a really long time.... Her girls...her family...she was the only daughter of 4 children and I can't imagine how her mom is feeling right now. How her daughters are feeling...so shocked.

Here is a good reminder to love the ones we love fiercely and never let anyone or anything be taken for granted.

I am such a silly woman and am so blessed in my life. My nonsense is nonsense and I will always try to remember this. Life is short. A devastating reminder  :(

tearful

aleaha xo

Why didn't I know myself sooner??

I have been thinking a lot lately about nonsense. Well...not nonsense totally, but things I can't ultimately change so at the end of the day kind of nonsense.

This is already confusing isn't it? I need more coffee...

First I have been doing a lot of, what do the deep and insightful call it, " soul searching"  or maybe reflecting, or maybe just daydreaming. It mostly happens while I wash all the pots and pans at 9pm at the end of a ridiculously long day. Or when I zone out at a red light in a suburban full of loud boys trying to drown out their sisters singing along to Barbie movies playing in the back seat.

To be more clear ( haha although I am about as clear as those before pictures on a pro active commercial) I have been pondering time, and how it always keeps moving on and I have been feeling anxious about my own life and how I feel I have so much I want to do still and how with all that I have done already ( and by this I mean creating and trying to raise 5 kids) will I run out of time before I can do it? Will I forget what I want to do in that long lists of "to do's" where moms and dads wants always seem to come on the bottom. Will there be enough energy and time and desire to do these things at the end of the day? Am I selfish for even thinking these things? For wanting to do things for me? For wanting to try to figure a few things out along the way so in 15 years when Yvette is 18 I'm not going " well, that was fun....now what the heck am I supposed to do?"  Will my husband still love me at the end of the day because now, I am different? I am not the girl he married and I don't know what to do with that. Sometimes he doesn't either. Its a process. Ugh.

I know balance is the key. I know time management is important. I know loving all my little people and helping shape their lives is important.  What I really want to do is try to help them find their passions and what their joy is in life so that when they are in their mid 30's they arnt feeling like I am right now! lol!

I made a choice to be a wife and a mom and one can't really say, well its been a good 10 years, lets see what else there is...but what I feel like I never really got the opportunity to do was to really learn about the things that make me tick.  The things I am drawn to. Or to really become my own person. What are all the things that make us who we are?

I grew up in a small town, with very few extra activities outside of school. In my high school we didn't even have an art or a music program, ha! True story.  I grew up in a religious house where "normal" things like school dances, dating and higher education for example are not necessarily on the list of most important or allowed.  Don't get me wrong, I was raised with good values and my mom and dad taught us all to try our best to be good people and I thank them very much for that.  I am just a bit disappointed that there was little freedom and sadly, little money to explore things and learn about myself and the world.

So I left home a little earlier than I should have and started to work and live on my own in the great big city of Calgary. I was too young.  I made a lot of mistakes and was left to figure out who I was while trying to make sure I paid rent and ate and had a bus pass! So first I worked, I worked a few jobs actually..then I saved money and did things like pay for drivers training so I could get my drivers license. I saved and got my first car. Got my first credit card. My first love. Then my first heartbreak and at 19 moved to another city. Here I got another job, met new friends, started " life" over again while looking still for who I was...should I go to school? Could I go to school and still survive on my own? How could I do this? I don't know, I never figured that one out because I never did go back...I never did and I will always regret that. BUT  I had a FUN job...and out with my fun co-workers one night I met Chad.

Chad was my handsome sweet relief from loneliness and chaos. He was all that I knew and believed to be "perfection" in another person. I was madly in love with him quickly and kind of forgot about "me" and was so happy to be an "us" and to start a life with him. We got married, moved to another city and started our family. 13 years after I met him, almost 10 years of marriage later and now I am wondering whats next?  Not next for Chad and I, I adore him to this day and hope we grow old and senile together. Next as in my selfish way, next for me?  I have said it before and I will say it again, judge me if you must but I am not "stay at home" material. I am bad at cooking. I am awful at doing puzzles and colouring and when the house gets messy in those playful moments of fun where I should be relishing these memories, I get anxious and irritated! haha! But I love my babies. I love to love them and thats the most important right? BUT I am uneducated, inexperienced and have nothing to "fall back on" SO how does a mom with no skill take a stab at being more than a mom? I dunno?

So I started here, this summer I was selfish and took a week alone and went to Vancouver to a film school to get a taste of their writing program. I knew I loved writing, have kept diaries for years and when I can I write on this old blog and it makes me happy. OH MY GOSH it was HEAVEN! Aside from the guilt about being gone, the time my husband sacrificed for me to go and the financial cost to go...it was amazing.

Then my dear friend who heard I loved this program ( because I'm sure I talked her ear off for an hour over coffee) introduced me to a lady in town who is Editor of a local paper...she too a mom of two and currently pregnant with her third! I instantly admired her like no other!

She in turn introduced me to a lady who is the editor of another local paper and this lady asked ME to write an article for  her...  say whaaaa?? OK! It was amazing! It was so exciting and fun to have any chance to write that I was instantly nervous and more excited than I have been in years, lol...excited in the creative writing sense? ha  ;)

So now the article is done and submitted and she is publishing it in the November issue and I am super duper pumped.  It will be in the Fort McMuray Child and you should read it! ha!

Now....in all my "woe is me and who am I" drivel I have begun what I hope is a journey to discovery. I plan to tread carefully and responsibly in hopes that I can be a good mom, be a better wife and keep balance but keep true to myself. I still have to plan specifically but the plan is to figure out more of what will make me feel this spark and work it. It makes me feel happy...and a happy mom is a great thing right!?  A happy wife even better? A happy life with happy people in it? The best blessing out there right.

Just a final note...my sweet Chad. I have been selfish and in the last year and in some ways taken advantage of him and his giving and kind nature. I have taken a lot of time for myself that I truly felt was necessary. He has sacrificed a lot of his free time to let me explore things and I will always be grateful for that and I will try my best to balance his needs in this mix too...I feel confident that in 10 years we are all going to be in a great place...where that place is yet I don't know?! BUT I know wherever it is, it will be good. We will be together, and we will  be different than we are now, older, wiser and hopefully with even more cool stories to share.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

GIRLS girls girls! Kit kat girls!

I got an email last night that made me feel AMAZING!  I was going to blog about it, then I logged on here, read my last post... ( bad idea, I try to never re-read them...ugh)  started to feel heavy...Then I got tired. Then I went to bed and slept on it, not writing a darn thing.

This morning I was thinking how sad and awful my last post was and kind of beating myself up for being so down and out...or thats how I felt when I was typing it, so reading it again made me feel the same. You know what, I don't like that feeling. I had it, I embraced it and now I am letting go!

Then I looked in the mirror at 6am ( ooh, also bad idea...a brutal reminder to not go to bed with wet hair again) Moving on, I took a deep breath, and said

"Aleaha. Get over yourself. GOD. It was a bad day, not a bad week, or month or year or life. Chill the frig out, go write! Who cares what spills forth!" The two people that I know read this certainly don't care, haha!

So heres to moving on, being who I am, honestly being pretty darn ok with that and carrying about my life the way I like to do, in an awesome stay at home mom look on the bright side living in my lulus's life glory!

So back to my email...

ooh, and briefly, a quick backstory...I happened to be at Earls for 90's night this summer, had a few shots, danced a little dance ,won a little dance off, got myself a fanny pack and then the funny notion that was an ok dancer and should take on the world one backstreet boy song at a time...


SO...(gosh I get so distracted)...I got an email from Keyano College....( In case I forgot to blog about this, I tried out for a play at Keyano. Then guess what, I made it. Pffft what?!  RIGHT?! They cast me as a Kit Kat girl in the play Cabaret!!  It is going to be amazing I am sure!)
Keyano sent me a "hello" email and then a list of rehearsal times and then a list of the full cast!  We start Dec 2, 2014 and the play will run in February! Come one Come all it will be awesome!

Its a lot of time to be gone from home, but...once in a lifetime? Wed-Fri nights from 6-10pm and then all day saturdays for I believe 10 weeks....oy. BUT its only 10 weeks right?? ( Sorry Chad, please still love me after this is over)

Then after reading about all the fun and countless hours I will be spending with these new friends I thought I would do what any normal person would do....I face stalked them all! Muwahahah! I want to see faces! I want to  virtually stalk these soon to be bff's so that I can know  all about them before we meet! ( Then of course I have to remember to act like I know nothing about them so I'm not that creepy weirdo who face stalks people, ugh who DOES that..)

So I got to stalking. It was going well, very well! Recognized some people from past plays at the college, some from auditions, some from extra foods check out lines, haha...small town, small community theatre group ;)

THEN I get to the names of other 3 kit kat girl parts!  3 other amazing ladies I would be spending hours with every week dancing our pants off...literally.

do de doo...stalking stalking...when BAM. I slowly begin to realize that these other ladies are TOTALLY AMAZING. They are:

1) Young
2) FIT
3) Beautiful
4) some would say genetically blessed
5) young.
6) Dancers, real dancers.

A moment of self doubt. A rumbling in the pit of my stomach. A small glance down the "perfectly imperfect" body that birthed 5 babies....

SO, yeah, I DO NOT resemble the other dancers in MANY ways...haha!.... My hope is that they were going for diversity? Maybe they needed a mother hen in the group? Maybe they asked me accidently?! oh god how awful. Maybe they didn't really notice what was going on under my tank top that dance day we all auditioned? Then I remembered we had to remove said tank tops and dance in our sports bras so they must have seen something?! I'm hard to miss, my skin gleams white like a teenage vampire ;)

So there was another moment of brief hesitation. Then, I am surprised to say that I actually started to feel great. I really truly honestly didn't mind that these young ladies are well, quite perfect. I kind of don't really care how different I look than the other girls. I feel like, I must have something to offer,  (even if its just the fact that I was picked by default because the other teenage parents would allow their kids in a 18+  play? ) Whatever the reason is I  want to be there so BAD.

I want to dance for hours every night.
I want to be exhausted from the process
I want to meet and get to know creative minds
I want to have this experience.

Maybe thats it? Maybe they smelled my desperation, haha!  So now as I sit here I think how LUCKY I am that THEY, those  director/producer types thought that I was good enough to be with the other ladies. They picked me for a reason and I don't care what that reason is. I am going to get up, show up and RIP IT UP!

So that all said...Does anyone want to babysit for me Friday nights starting in December so Chad can still go to Hockey whilst I dance with teenage dreams? I want to dance but I still want my husband to love me at the end of it and lets not kid ourselves, we all know Chad loves hocket just a tiny bit more than he loves me ;)

Aleaha xoxo


Monday, September 22, 2014

Who are we anyway?

I was at Yoga this afternoon and the teacher read a quote at the end that really hit me hard. It was something about the quote, or maybe it was just the weekend I had or the day I have been having but this quite hit me hard. It just seemed to make a lightbulb go off.

Her quote was " Its not who we are that holds us back, its who we think we are not" 

Then I got to thinking, its also who everyone else thinks we are that can hold us in one place. Its who people perceive us to be that has us stuck for better or wose at times in this...role....

Sometimes these ideas keep us somewhere we don't belong. Sometimes these ideas don't ever let us get somewhere we want to be. Does that even make sense?  There are days I feel like I am quiet, and thoughtful and reflective and just taking it all in. Then there are days when I feel the opposite and feel like I just want to jump in head first, not thinking of consequence and just want to DO. I am pieces of everything and I know who I am, but does anyone else ever really know?

I have made many mistakes in life and many mistakes in the last few years. I have, at the same time been more true to myself in this last year than I ever have been in my life while taking attacks on my character all the while.  While I think we must always learn from our mistakes I don't feel like these mistakes should define us. However here I am today, caught in an Ocean of mistakes being tossed and turned from one wave to the other. Questions, doubts and concerns. What is a person to do? I don't know...

Recently I have had a lot of ups and downs the same as everyone else has in life. I struggle in ways that maybe you don't, or maybe you do, but should we judge that struggle? Should we become " our struggle?"

Today in particular I am so tried, exhausted really of trying to NOT be my mistakes. Trying to live my life day by day, action by action in the best way that I know how, as a flawed human.  I just want to be who I am. I want to try to not hurt anyone in the process and I want to have a great time living this life.

I have had so much heartache mixed in with a lot of joy and happiness and accomplishment and sense of pride in these last few months. Like everyone else I feel like I know who I am at my core, and I know the kind of person I want to be and strive to be in someway everyday. Wether its a conscious effort or not we all portray one part of ourselves to the world and keep other things private. Latley I have really been trying to merge the "private" idea of Aleaha with the "public" idea of Aleaha. Somedays I feel good about who I am and somedays Iwish I could just rewind time about 5 years and make completely different choices...but who does that benefit? The outside world? They don't have to live my life and live in my head and in my heart and in my marriage, I DO.  So you put yourself out there and hope that people will still love and accept you. There are moments of greatness when you realize you are allowed to be who you really are and people will still love you and understand you. However on the flip side there are those moments when you get knocked down. You realize not everyone has your best interest at heart and sometimes people are selfish and hurtful and as much as they want too, just won't understand. SO today I just have to realize that this is ok. They have their own struggles and who am I to be hurt by their judgements? I don't know them aside from what they show the world and they don't know me aside from what I let them see so who are we? Do we ever really know each other or anyone?.....*sigh*

I love my husband. I love my children. I love my family and I love my friends.  I heard another quote as well that feels so close to me today.  So in conclusion, I have no answers and no profound thoughts. I just have pieces of a puzzle that I am trying to fit together everyday the best way I know how.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Born to be average? maybe not?

About two and a half years ago I had 5 littles, my baby was about 6 months old, I was DONE having kids. So, I did the unthinkable and I took a long harsh look in the mirror.  Let me tell you it was not pretty. I was still in maternity pants and hadn't seen in the inside of the YMCA gym since my fallout with kiddie kare (which has since been MORE than rectified and I love them and they love my kids just for the record) Just pointing out that I was in a sad state. 

A few months earlier I had taken my first " girls trip" anywhere with some mommy friends, we went for a weekend to VEGAS! It was a trip full of great memories and good times...however one bad-ish memory for me and my self esteem will always be prominent in my mind.  I went with beautiful mommies who I loved,  and that was fine, they are hot, I'm used to being the "lesser" of the hot friends, its kind of my role in life, luckily its forced me to have this great personality to fall back on, haha! Don't get me wrong I felt ok about myself. I had a 4 month old  and felt pretty good given my leaky breasts and soft tummy.

On said ladies trip we decided to go down to Fremont street and hop on the zip line. Guess what kind of cruel punishment they get you to do just to make sure you REALLY want to go...they make you get on a SCALE and WEIGH you in front of EVERYONE. It flashes on a digital screen. In RED in front of....EVERYONE.  It was the most mortifying experience of my life and let me remind you I have had 5 babies naturally, legs in the air, fecal matter spewing on the table ( ok that only happened once but once is really enough to scar you and your husband for life) Like I was saying, I have been through the whole bit and this moment, getting on that scale in front of my girlfriends and tons of strangers topped that embarrassment 100 fold. 

This is the face of a girl who had just finished the zip line, ( the chubby faced girl on the left is me) I was smiling on the outside and bawling like a insecure teenager on the inside. It was awful and I hate to be so shallow and say this but I speak the truth, it literally ruined the rest of my trip. I still had a great time, ate yummy food, went to amazing shows and made great memories but that moment ruined me and I cried myself to sleep. Waaah. I don't like to wallow though or be negative SO maybe I should say it changed me. I came home and told my husband I needed to change and now was the time. 

The following month I went on my first official "diet" ever. It was really hard and I was REALLY grumpy and REALLY mad at all the food commercials and the gooey grilled cheese sandwiches I was making for the kids that I couldn't eat. In time though and with a lot of self talk and a bunch of B.S I would tell myself, I actually started to lose weight!! What?? I know, I have never been on a real diet or lost weight ever in my life. Who knew I had willpower. As the months went on one pound at a time, I managed to lose about 35 lbs on 6 months. This was huge for me! Then I got scared and realized I might have got my eating somewhat under control but I needed more or else I was one toddler tantrum or bad PMS moment away from a huge binge and a slippery slope back to maternity pants.

I decided to run. Why? Well, all the skinny people run. Correction, all the fit people I knew run. They look so good and happy ( mostly when they are done running, when your actually running you look sweaty and in pain)  and google told me its the best way to burn calories in the most efficient amount of time. Time to me is precious so done, I would learn to run. That's a whole blog on its own...for the sake of not making this 15 pages long let me say...I did it. It was hard and sucked and it takes a lot of commitment because if you stop even for a week you slide so far back that its annoying as you know what, to "start again".

To keep myself accountable I signed Chad and I up for this " fun run" called a Tough Mudder. Yup look it up. SUPER fun....Its 19km in the mountains of Whistler ( the one we did...twice) full of insane obstacles but it was a good goal to keep me going. That's another story too but we DID IT!

Here we are! We did it!

Well, we have since done another tough mudder a spartan , and a few little 5km races and I feel like we have really decided to make running a part of our life. ( I still eat WAY to much and if I didn't run I know that with my genetics and my love of all this cheesy and chocolatey goodness in the world those 35 ish pounds would come back FAST)

I should let you know that first, I am not a natural runner, whatever that means. I find each run a struggle and I don't often find that they get easier even when I'm consistent and eating well. I have ZERO natural endurance and have to self talk my ass off to make even a good 5km run.  I do like to put in earplugs and turn up the tunes and I am addicted to how good I feel AFTER a run, so I decided to try to push myself to see what I could do, or maybe what my breaking point is and what i will fail at, haha!

With my somewhat implied permission Chad signed us up for a Marathon. WTF? I know. Its 26.2 miles ( that's about 42 km) We decided to run it in November...in guess where VEGAS!  LOL!  So my goal right now is to finish. To train as best I can so I can even endure 4 hours running or however long it takes me to finish and not give up. Someone once said to me I don't have natural athletic ability or endurance but I do have a Whack load of determination. I would like to say I agree with all of this, its true. I am determined. I feel like we can do it. I will let you know for sure! 

Then after the marathon is done, guess what I am going to do. I am going to go down to Fremont street, get in line for that zip line and proudly weigh myself in front of everyone again and this time I am not going to cry no matter what the number says. No matter who is thinner or bigger or taller or shorter or hotter or whatever it makes no difference and I just want to do it and feel good about it. 

  I found out that I wasn't a fit person, no matter what my number said that day big or small I wasn't in shape ( or I was a lovely soft pear shape, but...) I wasn't fit. Now, I feel fit, I feel good. MY husband and I got up at 5am today and ran 9km and I feel good!  I am still not skinny, I still weigh on the very high end of acceptable for my height but I feel good. I can run. I can play sports. I can DANCE at EARLS until 2am non stop and feel amazing, haha....So although I dropped a few pounds and feel less insecure, I mostly just feel like I can do anyhting I decide to now.

Day one of Marathon Training started today with our 5am 9km run and I am looking forward, and more that slightly terrified about what the next 16 weeks will bring! We shall see!



Monday, July 28, 2014

Weekend life

This weekend seemed to fly by!! I had this crazy great day on Friday where I was able to spend the whole day on a golf course with Chad just hanging out, being a terrible golfer mind you, but pretty good company if I do say so myself ;)   Then the evening came and I was able to meet some pretty awesome girls at Earls for this 90's flash back party. I cant even being to explain every detail about how great this night was but I will try to sum up our evening in just a few point forms, haha:

  •  Kailey, Crystal, Lindsay and later after they skated our their aggressions at hockey, our men. Best company a girl could ask for. Good night no matter what now.

  •  free candy on the tables!!? Now THIS is something I could really get into..screw a fancy appie and give me a free fun dip and tootsie pop!

  •  Rocking overalls an a wife beater in public and feeling cool

  • tons of people, all in good spirits and willing to buy above mentioned crew free drinks, (ok that's thanks to Crystal but I'll take a few drink no matter what!)

  •  A big screen full of BSB, NKOTB, Salt n Pepper, N sync, snoop dog, Janet Jackson and every other epic dancey dance pop sensation you can imagine from my youth.

  •  Honestly winning a "dance off" by almost quitting then pulling out the cheer leader in me splits...and I didn't even split my pants! Dropped it like it was HOT, to quote my ladies, lol!

  • Winning a fanny pack ( that steve stole and I'm sure I will never see again, ha!)

It was a great affair! I am still pondering something however. Not sure if it was the best joke of the night, or the weirdest conversation I have ever had. Dancing with a bunch of late 20' somethings one pipes up and says how much he loves Backstreet boys...( he was also belting out every word to every song, my kind of guy) when he happened to lean in and say to me,  

"I lOVE BSB...unlike other boy bands they are great signers...I have all their stuff"

To Which I say, 

" ooh, me too! even on cassette! hahaha"

Then he says...wait for it...

" Awesome! Do you have their underground stuff? That's my favorite! Its so hardcore!"

Say Whaaaaa?? Are we talking like Brian, Nick, AJ, Howie and Kevin? Hardcore? Underground? I still have no clue if he was serious or if this was a joke? I don't want to Google " underground BSB" because I don't want my husband to see it on the computer and make fun of me, it will forever be a mystery I suppose ;)

The night ended somewhere on the other side of 2am and I went to bed a sweaty, happy, ear ringing mid 30's stay at home mom full of 17 year old dreams ;)

Yesterday was a great day full of family time and painting the office. I would elaborate more, but honestly it boils down to the kids playing games in the house all day and mom...well, literally painting the office...but ill post pictures of it later! Its looking great!

Fresh of my dance high...or more like my hangover, I decided that although I have kept up my running I need to go so fitness classes again, and get back on this health wagon. I am getting a bit old for 2am nights and  blurry Sundays. I  do actually love going to the gym and taking classes and I miss them. They are hard for me to fit in with all the kids during the summer.. WELL some friends of mine go at 5am. I think they are loony birds. That's still the middle of the night for me...BUT after much thought, chocolate and about 5lbs of weight gain I decided that I should suck it up and go too.

Oranj Fitness is this great place in town and I love all their classes, but I stick to mid day and evenings...so I was pretty nervous about a 5am-er. Now that its over I would just like to toot my own horn and say I got up at 4:30 and made it to a 5am spin and sculpt class and as I type this, on my 3rd cup of coffee, I feel good! The kids are still asleep, the sun is up and the house is peaceful and quiet...maybe I should get into this early morning thing and start a new routine??...until Earls has another epic dance party then all bets are off and I am drinking and Macarena-ing until the wee hours and sleeping until the kids cant find food :)

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Swimming

My kids love the water, I guess that's not a surprising revelation since I think most kids love it. Sprinklers, lakes, puddles, bathtubs and of course, the dreaded pool.

That said, I have realized that I am "that" mom. Let me explain. I  was once sitting around a table having coffee with a bunch of "play date moms"  ( these are other moms who are friends that have materialized out of the need to socialize our kids, keep our sanity and get out of the house)  We were talking about mom things like healthy snacks, mom pants and lessons of sorts for our littles, (because they have to be in some kind of lessons from the moment of birth or your a neglectful parent...but that's another blog post)

Wow, I get sidetracked so easily...where was I??  Lessons!

A kid friendly early start lesson of course is swimming. I am all for it since:

 a) its good to know that you won't drown later in life hopefully
b) its pretty fun for kiddos, it doesn't even seem like learning or work
c) my parents never put me in swimming lessons and I have no cool badges like "seal" or "otter" in my memory box and it still annoys me ;)

I am super against it because:

a) if your kid is under 8 you have to be in the water with them
b) I hate swimming in public pools
c) I hate swimming in public pool. ;)

So like all moms you just have to suck it up and do stuff that's maybe not great fun for you. So Mia was in lessons as a baby, with me of course in my maternity swimsuit feeling super great about myself ( I was pregnant with Coy when Mia was a baby and in all these mom and me lessons. That last part about feeling super great was a big fat lie in case you missed that) However by luck or great planning on my part, Chad has been able to be in lessons with the other kids sine then and I didn't even feel bad about pawning off that duty because he loves the water, so I happily pawned it off ....until now.

The kids are 7,6,5,5,3 and its summer and they love to swim and we want to take them on the lake more, in the boat more and to things like the big water slide parks. So refer above to the  "..not drowning later in life hopefully" We still need to work on that a little.

Chad of course works all day and I am at home all day with the kids in the summer and the YMCA offers lessons in the daytime hours now and not just evenings and weekends, ( darn, prime time dad lesson time) So for the sake of good time management I am taking the kids to the lessons for a few weeks now.

 I was thinking that since they are not " mommy and me" age anymore I would get to sit in a nice plastic chair or wooden bench on the sidelines and lovingly observe them frolicking in the water. Um nope. I have them all in back to back lessons. Now can you try to keep all your other kids out of the pool to play for 30 to 45 min and wait for their sibling to finish a lesson? Not gonna happen in my world. If any of them are in the pool and not in a lesson, momma needs to be in the pool too. Crap.

Ok, well I put on that bikini, covered it up of course in a tank top/t shirt then jumped in. I like to linger on the walls, body in the water, back to the wall arms resting on the wall and watch the kids play. ( They can swim a little, I don't need to hold them or anything) SO for the first few days I got in the pool but got to just relax, mostly cheer and observe and it wasn't too bad.  I was feeling ok. Not great mind you since its TWO HOURS in the pool in the morning and then another hour in the evening to get them all in lessons, but I was feeling ok.

Then yesterday happened. The boys were fighting all morning and the pool didn't bring a cease fire. Yvette was in her lesson, and the boys were intense. They were kicking and splash fighting while I was caught in the cross fire, they were trying to drown each other, pulling and grasping mom for their lives of course. They were stealing goggles, doing cannonballs and being generally super playfully annoying. I was soaked.

Here is where I become that mom. I put on the suit, I put my hair in a bun and I go in the water. I am not doing cannonballs, or searching for rings or playing pool volleyball. I'm not playing what time is is Mister shark, or dumping buckets of water on them or me.  I'm just not. I'm making sure they don't die and planning the rest of the million things we have to do that day in my head...and I don't want to get wet. Bad problem to have when in a pool with 5 kids. I just want to be there for safety and not interaction, haha.  My mom friends would always complain about " that mom" who wouldn't be playing in the water, or who you could tell didn't want to wreck her hair or makeup ( I don't wear makeup in the pool, but I don't want my hair wet, I just don't, sue me.)

 SO I was pretty annoyed trying to hold it in yesterday when Reed came up after a monster canon ball jump gasping for air. He simultaneously spit water directly into my eye and flung a big wad a snot hitting me square in the cheek. I didn't speak a word but my eyes said it all...he swam far, far away and must of told the others since no one came near me for the last 5 min of the morning. I am the devil mom, I am no fun and if I scar them for life over this fact I think I can deal with that.

Then, you know what happened today? The kids were amazing. They played, they interacted with me in a fun but non soaking way. I helped them all onto the rope, pulling them far back and pushing them hard until they jumped off that pool rope like tiny Tarzan's of the pools. Yvette was jumping off the diving board unassisted and getting in and out of the water all alone. It was a total pleasure to watch them play....with eachother. They had a great time and you know what, I did too. Hmm. Was a pretty fun morning and I even debated jumping off that pool rope. I didnt, BUT I thought about it, briefly :)

Monday, July 21, 2014

First world problem?

Life like we say just keeps getting in the way! In the way of getting laundry done, grass cut and blogging! I decided that I really am going to make an effort more to really write,  get some words down on paper just because I love it so much and damn it, I have a lot to say, ha!

Mostly whats on my mind right now is more about life, and the craziness of it, yours, mine, everyones...but tonight the "craziness" of mine in particular. For once its not the kids, its the self inflicted craziness of my mind gone bizerk. I just came back from a week long stay in Vancouver to attend this "intensive" at the Vancouver film school. I took a week long jump into writing for film and tv and let me tell you, it was...amazing. It was just..amazing.  There are people out there who live these awesome lives, these awesome creative lives and sometimes they get paid for it!

For anyone that knows me at all,  I am not an educated gal, I'm not worldly, or savvy  or any such things related. I never really thought outside the box about most things. I think I was raised very simply and straight in the way that you live life and the things that you do in this life. I didn't attend any post secondary school and I just stumbled upon my old office job with an insurance brokerage, wrote a few provincial exams, got a licence and just went to work 9-5 until I got married, had a baby, and then another...and another...( ok 5 babies in 4 years) and well. That's my life in a nutshell. 

When I was at home with all my wee ones before I totally lost my mind altogether I had this thought, " what am I going to do in a few years when these kiddos get bigger? "  I felt like I needed to know what to do in the aftermath of the baby/toddler trauma. Something to look forward too, to aim for, to escape too and I just didn't know. I felt like a teenager in high school thinking about university without a clue as to what to take or why. I wouldn't normally say I am indecisive by any means, even the opposite. ( I'm a leap before I look kind of lady usually..has made for some interesting stories along the way ;)  however i just felt like I NEEDED to know what to do. I had no answerer's and kind of still don't but I feel like I am getting closer. 

My amazing, thoughtful, brilliant, loving, supportive husband has always told me that we are lucky enough to be in a position where I don't NEED to know what I want to do. If I want to work, work, if I don't, don't, work at Wall mart or start my own business for all he cares...Just do whatever I want, do it with a true desire and love. Aweee, see, he's pretty friggen awesome...well that is easier said than done. What do I love? Aside from the love/hate abuse circle I have with chocolate and running...what am I passionate about? What do I know how to do? Simpler, what am I even GOOD at? I have learned that I am good at...giving birth...not killing my own young...and...well....its a short list.  So I am 32 and feeling like I am having a crisis!! A self inflicted, internal, mostly unnecessary CRISIS! aaaaah! 

I know this will sound so arrogant and you may stop reading after this if you bothered to hold out long enough to read this far  ( and thank you if you did, haha) but...since I was really small, even though I had no talents, no money and nothing of notable worth I felt special or valuable. Or more like, I felt like I wanted something special, something big, something larger than life and that I was totally capable of getting it, whatever it was. I just don't know what it is. Then...life got in the way. Now let me preface all this " first world problem" nonsense with this: I know I am lucky to have my husband, my 5 children and my amazing life. I LOVE them. I love my family, my friends and I wouldn't want to change a thing of my journey so far. I know its more than so many have, and more than I deserve to be honest, I know this, I really do....BUT I feel like there is more. There just is and I have to figure it out.

Taking the trip to Vancouver was so worth it to me. It opened my eyes to so much. It made me realize so much that I didn't before. I feel like I am one step closer to finding out what is in store for the rest of this life. Chad promised me this, that he will stand by me no matter what. I promised him that I will always put our family first.  So what does that even mean? 

Well to me, and to him in means time. Time to figure things out. Time to let the kids be young still. Time to get our ducks in a row. In three years my sweet Yvette will be in school full time. In the next two years she will be in kindergarten, in one year the twins will be in grade 1 Coy in Grade 2 and Mia in Grade 4...so many changes in really just a few short years. So I have promised to direct my attention to perhaps more attainable and realistic goals ( aside from uprooting my family to a new province and city, forcing my husband to leave his remarkable job that provides us so much so I can chase a dream, a hope a desire and wish that for one year in school I can try to create this different life) 
 In two years, if there is still a lingering, still a desire, still...something, Chad will make a leap with me and will go. We will go and see. We might crash and burn or we might be making the first step to a life that is even more amazing that neither one of us can predict. I am a FIRM believer in passion. In living life the very best way you know how and to just trying. Ill try anything once ( ok except mussels...and clams...and shellfish of any kind, but that's besides the point...) at the end of the day I know I would feel worse about the never knowing. The always wondering what if would just, hang heavy on my spirit for so long.  Taking a year of life and turning it upside down, maybe just to not have that feeling would be worth it.  SO I guess I am writing because i feel so lost still and its nice to get it all out...sorry this wasn't a funny kid story or an annoying Chad one...oh but don't worry, those will be there a plenty in due time, especially if I turn him into a stay at home dad in Vancouver ;)

So I will write more, practice more, and keep on keeping on and who knows what will happen. I feel like great things will happen, so..stay tuned :)