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Monday, October 20, 2014

Why didn't I know myself sooner??

I have been thinking a lot lately about nonsense. Well...not nonsense totally, but things I can't ultimately change so at the end of the day kind of nonsense.

This is already confusing isn't it? I need more coffee...

First I have been doing a lot of, what do the deep and insightful call it, " soul searching"  or maybe reflecting, or maybe just daydreaming. It mostly happens while I wash all the pots and pans at 9pm at the end of a ridiculously long day. Or when I zone out at a red light in a suburban full of loud boys trying to drown out their sisters singing along to Barbie movies playing in the back seat.

To be more clear ( haha although I am about as clear as those before pictures on a pro active commercial) I have been pondering time, and how it always keeps moving on and I have been feeling anxious about my own life and how I feel I have so much I want to do still and how with all that I have done already ( and by this I mean creating and trying to raise 5 kids) will I run out of time before I can do it? Will I forget what I want to do in that long lists of "to do's" where moms and dads wants always seem to come on the bottom. Will there be enough energy and time and desire to do these things at the end of the day? Am I selfish for even thinking these things? For wanting to do things for me? For wanting to try to figure a few things out along the way so in 15 years when Yvette is 18 I'm not going " well, that was what the heck am I supposed to do?"  Will my husband still love me at the end of the day because now, I am different? I am not the girl he married and I don't know what to do with that. Sometimes he doesn't either. Its a process. Ugh.

I know balance is the key. I know time management is important. I know loving all my little people and helping shape their lives is important.  What I really want to do is try to help them find their passions and what their joy is in life so that when they are in their mid 30's they arnt feeling like I am right now! lol!

I made a choice to be a wife and a mom and one can't really say, well its been a good 10 years, lets see what else there is...but what I feel like I never really got the opportunity to do was to really learn about the things that make me tick.  The things I am drawn to. Or to really become my own person. What are all the things that make us who we are?

I grew up in a small town, with very few extra activities outside of school. In my high school we didn't even have an art or a music program, ha! True story.  I grew up in a religious house where "normal" things like school dances, dating and higher education for example are not necessarily on the list of most important or allowed.  Don't get me wrong, I was raised with good values and my mom and dad taught us all to try our best to be good people and I thank them very much for that.  I am just a bit disappointed that there was little freedom and sadly, little money to explore things and learn about myself and the world.

So I left home a little earlier than I should have and started to work and live on my own in the great big city of Calgary. I was too young.  I made a lot of mistakes and was left to figure out who I was while trying to make sure I paid rent and ate and had a bus pass! So first I worked, I worked a few jobs actually..then I saved money and did things like pay for drivers training so I could get my drivers license. I saved and got my first car. Got my first credit card. My first love. Then my first heartbreak and at 19 moved to another city. Here I got another job, met new friends, started " life" over again while looking still for who I was...should I go to school? Could I go to school and still survive on my own? How could I do this? I don't know, I never figured that one out because I never did go back...I never did and I will always regret that. BUT  I had a FUN job...and out with my fun co-workers one night I met Chad.

Chad was my handsome sweet relief from loneliness and chaos. He was all that I knew and believed to be "perfection" in another person. I was madly in love with him quickly and kind of forgot about "me" and was so happy to be an "us" and to start a life with him. We got married, moved to another city and started our family. 13 years after I met him, almost 10 years of marriage later and now I am wondering whats next?  Not next for Chad and I, I adore him to this day and hope we grow old and senile together. Next as in my selfish way, next for me?  I have said it before and I will say it again, judge me if you must but I am not "stay at home" material. I am bad at cooking. I am awful at doing puzzles and colouring and when the house gets messy in those playful moments of fun where I should be relishing these memories, I get anxious and irritated! haha! But I love my babies. I love to love them and thats the most important right? BUT I am uneducated, inexperienced and have nothing to "fall back on" SO how does a mom with no skill take a stab at being more than a mom? I dunno?

So I started here, this summer I was selfish and took a week alone and went to Vancouver to a film school to get a taste of their writing program. I knew I loved writing, have kept diaries for years and when I can I write on this old blog and it makes me happy. OH MY GOSH it was HEAVEN! Aside from the guilt about being gone, the time my husband sacrificed for me to go and the financial cost to was amazing.

Then my dear friend who heard I loved this program ( because I'm sure I talked her ear off for an hour over coffee) introduced me to a lady in town who is Editor of a local paper...she too a mom of two and currently pregnant with her third! I instantly admired her like no other!

She in turn introduced me to a lady who is the editor of another local paper and this lady asked ME to write an article for  her...  say whaaaa?? OK! It was amazing! It was so exciting and fun to have any chance to write that I was instantly nervous and more excited than I have been in years, lol...excited in the creative writing sense? ha  ;)

So now the article is done and submitted and she is publishing it in the November issue and I am super duper pumped.  It will be in the Fort McMuray Child and you should read it! ha! all my "woe is me and who am I" drivel I have begun what I hope is a journey to discovery. I plan to tread carefully and responsibly in hopes that I can be a good mom, be a better wife and keep balance but keep true to myself. I still have to plan specifically but the plan is to figure out more of what will make me feel this spark and work it. It makes me feel happy...and a happy mom is a great thing right!?  A happy wife even better? A happy life with happy people in it? The best blessing out there right.

Just a final sweet Chad. I have been selfish and in the last year and in some ways taken advantage of him and his giving and kind nature. I have taken a lot of time for myself that I truly felt was necessary. He has sacrificed a lot of his free time to let me explore things and I will always be grateful for that and I will try my best to balance his needs in this mix too...I feel confident that in 10 years we are all going to be in a great place...where that place is yet I don't know?! BUT I know wherever it is, it will be good. We will be together, and we will  be different than we are now, older, wiser and hopefully with even more cool stories to share.

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