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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

A little break a lot of perspective

I keep wanting to write about a LOT of things...and then I keep stopping myself for some reason...typically I am SUCH an over-sharer that I literally make people, ( and by " people" I men my husband) cringe. So I have been trying to limit myself and up my filter for the sake of not being a source of frustration to the ones I love.... but its honestly hard. To be truthful it then makes me secretly resentful of the ones I love. In the last few years a lot has been going on in my little old personal life and I have learned that resentment is a bitter, bitter word to carry in your mouth, your heart and your life and its just toxic. I dont want to resent anything these days and I want to be authentic and happy.

Trying to be "better" for the ones I love I found myself stopping every time I wanted to share something, good bad, anything...THEN you know what...I kind of stop BEING myself then because for better or worse, I'm a chtter...a talker, a writer and a girl with a small-ish filter and you know what, it hasnt served me that badly as I have a pretty good life... and to be honest I like myself so why am I second guessing my natural instincts, I have good ones darnit! haha...SO I am going to write again and write whatever I feel like and maybe use a little more discretion but then again, maybe not!

On that note I will be right back...I have to go take my kids to day camp round 2~ hahahahaha!! THis whold day camp thing a few times a week has been AMAZING and I will write about that later, lol!

:)

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Wedded Bliss


Its the Eve of my 10 year wedding anniversary. 
Whoa.
I feel a lot of mixed emotions when I say that. I feel happy, happy that we made it here. Sad that it has gone by honestly quite fast. Nervous that maybe I took some of those years for granted. Heart broken at some of our very low lows,  Hopeful that the next 10 will be full of happiness and love and learning. 

I have all these old journals and was reading the one from the night before my wedding. My friend Rhianna had come down for the wedding. She was staying with me and I was so happy to have here around! It was one of the last nights in my own apartment ( we didn't live together until we got married...haha how old school of us ;)  So it was my last girly sleep over in that time in my life. We even slept in the same bed! She was a great help the next day when after my hair appointment some bridal hair not pinned well began to fall out! I have videos of her fixing it....this was SUCH a LONG time ago that iPhones didn't exist, and we actually used a video camera to record the day, LOL! Its on a CD somewhere and I intend to find it today....

The day was SO hectic. We had rented a hall and a crap ton of decorations to make said hall look less like a hall, haha....Chad and his groomsmen were busy getting all the booze for the wedding, Chads parents were busy helping set up decor and being generally really useful...My parents were getting my grandparents, who flew up from Oregon, settled in the hotel...my bridesmaids were busy getting pedicures and picking out matching jewellery ;)  

I was bust running around like a chicken with her head cut off going to michaels to get more things for table decor, changing my mind last minute about how I wanted the hall to look ( it turned out well I believe)  THEN after running all over and working hard I had to get my own nails done...I ended up having to squeeze in a moment, (no appointment made ahead as Im not a nail girl and didn't even think of it until I heard my bridesmaids were off getting theirs done...) SO I went alone to a mall shop and a tiny Asian did my nails then convinced me to tint my eyebrows. What a disaster THAT was....why did I say yes?? I then spent the next two hours looking for ways to make my normally light brown eyebrows, now black, look normal again. *was a very bad tearful moment for me...

I went to bed late and was restless. I woke up early and me my BFF Teri at a fancy hair salon on Whyte Ave owned at the time by a very good friend Debbie! The day was flying by...I had to get a card for Chad and ended up a shoppers drug mart with full hair and Veil on looking at cards and got stared at...beleive it or not back then I didn't like the attention and hated people staring at me...

There were of course more than a few hiccups that day...Ross was "lost" ( funny story ended up ok) Chad may of had to sleep in his car the night before...Flowers were a little mixed up...then our flower girl bouquets was forgot at my apartment...My Dad got lost on the way to the ceremony driving all us girls and we ended up almost 30 minutes late for my own wedding. Rhianna got lost and I struggled to track her down and wait for her so she didn't miss the wedding! ( She barley made it...)

The co-ordinator for the Provincial Museum where we were married was not impressed we were: 
a) late
b) wanting to wait for my friend
c) needed a flower girl bouquet

that said...we got married. My friend Laura plated the guitar and sang as we all walked down the aisle. A family friend Margo took pictures for us...a Justice of the Peace married us under the tress in the grass and our friends and family cheered us on as we walked down back down the Aisle.

That feels like a whole other life ago. It feels like its as so long ago but then these years went so fast. I feel like I was so young. I was 23 and Chad was almost 26. We dated for 3 years before we said "I do" and well...hey here is a picture!



I guess I don't want to really talk all about that day but a general summary of the days and months and years that have followed since that picture...

Life has been nothing short of amazing for us in so many ways, on paper in stories in thinking back and talking about our life. It also threw us a lot of curve balls. I learned a lot about myself and did a lot of things I didn't think I would. NEVER did I think we would have 5 kids, twins, live in Fort McMurray for 10 years...and so much more. 

We had a rough patch a while ago. I think we were both growing as people, I was making a lot of mistakes, but we both were. I was so confused and our life made no sense and I was so unhappy. Chad was unhappy and we were struggling to be in the same room with each other. 

Never did I think on that day those emotions would bubble up. Never did I think that I would be so in love and so mad at the person I promised my life to. I'm sure never did he think he would love and hate me all at the same time too. 

In those moments I learned the most about the man I married. I learned that the things I valued most about him were all still there...all still true and that maybe in my own struggles I forgot who he was as well as who I was. I forgot we really did like each other. I forgot life wasn't always so hectic and hard. I remembered that when I'm old, or if and when I get sick, or if I need a hand or a shoulder or help, someone to cry or lean on, he was the most dependable of all that have come into my life. 
I took him for granted. He took me for granted. 

Its a work in progress this is for sure. I posted this today...
" A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other"

So maybe some of the things we have been through have been the highest of all highs. Some of the things we have been through have been the lowest of lows. what I have learned is that we do love each other, very much. We are stubborn. We are not perfect. We are also not quitters. ( Sadly I am less perfect than he is but he never reads these posts so don't tell him ;)

In reflecting back on 10 years there are many more good memories than bad, all that I am trying to say is that life really is always changing and evolving and so are we. I never would have written our story the way it has played or for us if I was writing it today 10 years ago as a 23 year old young woman, but all that has commenced since May 28th 2005 has added to the richness of our life and the uniqueness of our story. 

We are going to Edmonton tomorrow. We are leaving the kids with family and spending a few days alone together. We haven't had a night alone together in 18 months. We are going back to the city where we fell in love, back to the place we said I do and back to some of those moments in time where we can remember why we wanted this life together so bad. Why we try so hard every day even when is REALLY hard, and why in another 10 years we will still be hand in hand trying to do the best, do it the way WE want to do it and love every moment of it.



Saturday, March 21, 2015

Oh my gosh I live in the "Country!"

Its been well over a week since I blogged and I have 18 million things I want to say but I feel like I can't even remember what they are!? haha

We live in the country! We have 2 acres! We have a school bus! My garbage cans are Bear proof? Trying to figure out how to get that open is a blog post all on its own. Yes it was tricky...yes I am a bit of an idiot but I'd like to see YOU figure it out! Oooh and now we live out here,  I don't need to walk to and from school! No need for drop off and pick up at school everyday! That sweet sanity saving yellow bus comes right to the driveway! NO more waiting around outside in -52! I can see the bus coming from the front window...I quickly walk the kids to the end of the driveway ( in my jammies I might add) and then run back! GLORIOUS! That alone is kind of worth it all...haha...

I am going to post a few pictures of the house soon...its ridiculous how much I love it. I love it even more living in it than when we looked at it empty. I don't want to be annoying but did I mention I LOVE IT...I feel like finally we are not tripping over each other!

(by that I mean mostly ME tripping over KIDS while I try to do the 800 things at once that they all want...whilst they follow me around demanding said things over, and over and over.....I still don't know why they do this...they literally follow me everywhere.. at least here I can lose them for a little, haha..or if they still do follow me like little baby ducklings, there is room to do play follow the leader)

I should be a little more clear because I sound so ungrateful! Our last house was amazing and I loved it, and we were SO happy to move into when we did!  It was a big house, with a great fenced yard, and in the best neighboured around...I had grand visions of renovating it and having it be our forever house...
then we had Yvette...ooops a 5th baby changes things a little haha...then the twins started to grow like GIANTS! Where did they come from?! Then one day the kids all had friends over and I realized one day, if they are lucky and each one has just ONE good friend and they come over...thats like 10 kids in the house and whatever adults want to subject themselves to that ( usually just Chad and I) thats a CRAP TON of people in one space!  

So we moved. It was a lot of work, ( massive shout outs to all those who came and helped!!)

It was a glorious sunny day!! It was warm and blue skies! Which in Fort McMurray in March meant it was a river of melted snow and water and mud in our yard and poor Crystal was on shovel duty scooping water in her rubbers and tossing it to the nearest snow bank....where it would melt a few minutes later haha...we all ended up with soaking wet socks and shoes, kids with dirty wet clothes, and friends left with sore backs and sweaty faces and not even a beer to be had! ( SO SORRY GUYS! I will re pay you I promise!) However,  being here I never want to leave. ever. because I love it. and moving sucks. haha.

NOW....I will write something much for exciting and entertaining later today...Currerntly Yvette is in this stage where she is convinced she's a puppy and she follows me barking all day..and licks my hands while I walk and such...she wants to play fetch and in general is pretty cute but SUPER annoying...shes trying to " jump" up on my lap right now so I will have to end the wonderfully boring post! haha

Till later! I have a few entertaining stories, well to me they are anyway...I shall share later :)

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Pictures...

I wanted to throw some old pictures in of the house and mostly of the kids when we moved in here...they were SO LITTLE!


 Mias first picture in the new house!

 I had no real kitchen table for a while..so we just had...baby stuff!

 Bathtime in our new house included all the littles!


 A typical breakfast...
 Sweet Mia in the park behind our house...

 Handsome Coy
 The twiners..

The babies of the family at the time...
They learned to walk here :)

Moving...

I started to write a Facebook update that kind of started to become a long Aleaha type ramble...so I figured if I was going to write might as well jot it down here...we are moving....whoa.

So in 5 days we are moving...Chad and i have been packing the house and all of our things, all of our memories...good and bad....all of our crap!  Going through a lot of of stuff...physcial stuff, some emotional stuff haha...

( I would like to add that Chad has been doing SO Much work in the last few days ...of course I have in my own way, but he in the last few days has really taken on the lions share of the work...disassembling and moving furniture and such...) The house and all the regular things and activities still have to be done,  so I have been doing a lot of sorting and organizing and throwing out and packing but still have to do laundry, and cook and shuttle people and keep the house kind of clean-ish...so its been an interesting go....and I can't work tools so he gets the take apart and put back together jobs...sorry.

When we moved into the house we are in now, the twins were 8 months old...Coy was 20 months old and Mia had just turned 3 the month before...I was in a big baby fog, or a sleep deprived fog or something because I remember so little about the build up to the move,  and even the actual move itself? I remember it was freezing, It was November and like -100... Chad was deathly ill ( turns out he had that bird virus) and my parents came up...and Mia was watching the cartoon movie "UP" on play repeat...thats literally all I remember...and I remember thinking:

" WHY ARE WE MOVING IN -100 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I CANT FEEL MY HANDS!"

We, like everyone else,  have a lot of stuff and MAN have I been throwing a lot out, haha! Its ridiculous the amount of "stuff" you accumulate in 5 and a half years, with 5 small ones....thats 5 christmas's what like 25 some odd birthdays? Plus just random things...school crafts, papers galore... kids clothes that we bought,  clothes that people gave us,  a zillion old snowsuits..baby blankets, holiday decorations, holiday costumes...things that we are holding onto for what reason exactly? SHOES...GLOVES...why do we have so many of those things, and they don't even fit??!

Thats just inside the house if you want to see STUFF think of this, we have a 3 car garage, with like 11 bikes in it, bags of skates and hockey gear, 2 cars, GT snow things, a broken washing machine...tools tools galore...its crazy.

( ps. at this moment Coy is sitting behind me rubbing my back as I type, trying to read what I am writing...COY COY COY...that is so relaxing...dont stop! LOL...I am talking to YOU!)


Ok...so being in this house has been a totally pleasure and I have loved living here. I feel like we are in the best neighbourhood in all of Fort McMurray. I feel like we live on the best street and our house has arguably the best location in the world...haha! Biased? noooo....why are we moving again!? Oh yes, we have 8 people in a 5 bedroom house and they won't stop growing!

So the house isn't the reason we are leaving per se. Its the fact that we went and had another child after we moved here, gained my brother and then realized we are going to sadly outgrow this house as well...we need like acres to raise these people the way we want, so we got a couple now and hopefully if they get too big for my "new" house we can just build them a garage in the back to sleep in or something! haha...

I was thinking of all the reasons why I was sad to leave this home and then I did happen to stumble upon of a few sad memories and sad but defining moments in my own life that happened here that make me a bit relieved to leave. How depressing righ, UGH, who wants to talk about that...oh yes I DO!

I see the bathroom I had my first real " mom breakdown" in and it wasn't pretty. ( the bathroom is pretty..the memory is heart wrenching) ..I locked myself in there for a while and then when Chad was home I took my tear soaked sweat pant wearing self and ran away from the house and never wanted to come back to it or that bathroom.... I cried in that bathroom more than once for more than one reason...clearly I came back. haha

I was thinking about how many friends have come and gone from my life while I have lived in this house. How many people I have lovingly invited over to share in our life and share moments with.

Lots of these people are still around, ( and come to the new house please and thank you!)  However some came into my life for a reason and are gone. They left some pretty tragic memories with them and left me a changed woman and I can't say that I won't be sad to know that I can leave that here in this house.  I feel almost invaded or...like my space has been invaded with their negative vibes.. to know that they are so aware of what my life looks like, or my house and my children's room and
nonsense like that ( does that even make sense?)  To move to a new house, where they have never been, never brought their sad or bitter or lost selves too makes me feel like as much as its a "new" house, in the same town...its a fresh house with a fresh start.

We have a lot of work to do in the next few days...so I should get off my butt and stop writing and get to it but I hope that this new house is a new chapter for our family. I hope we can make just as many good and bad ( haha) memories and raise our family there to become the kind of adults I would be proud to know and love. I have high hopes. I am full of gratitude to Chad for making all of this happen for us and I may even try to plant a garden...HAHA KIDDING, I'm no gardener, haha...I will plant my butt in a law chair and enjoy the peace!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

The kids literally pee our money away

This is going to be super quick and I was going to write this last night but then at the ripe old time of 9pm I was exhausted and went to bed to watch love it or list it, haha!

Ok, so last night we are taking apart all the boys bunk beds (and by "we" I mean Chad)  I was being very helpful and chatty of course and then as we were piling the mattresses on the floor I remembered about 8 months ago we bought the boys new mattresses?

Why?? Well not because they were old or tattered, in fact they were quite new,  but because of this. BED WETTING. Ugh.

So Reed had a little issue with night time bed wetting. He's 5, give the kid a break. At the same time he also was having " sleepovers" in his brother beds. All the boys share room because they love it too much to go their separate ways so with accident after accident we had some very gross mattresses.

*Let me note that first I wasted a crap ton of money on big kid pull ups. The nights he wet the bed he would have taken them off because they "bothered him" the nights he wore them all night he woke up dry so they were garbaged totally useless,  so here I am buying $800 dollar pull-ups for a small man child and they are practically useless....

After many mattress flips, countless scrubs and cleaning, which is also SO MUCH FUN * shudder*  I said to Chad we needed to look into better mattress pads because this didn't seem to be going away, or a phase...( he has been pity trained since before 3 so 2 years later...doesnt seem like a phase to me)
The cheap plastic sheet I had from wall mart was uncomfy and crinkly and never stayed on anyway.

So we finally go to a furniture store, buy THREE brand new mattresses to replace the pee soaked ones, then we buy these aweomse comfy soft, totally washable totally chic-ey chic mattress pads made for PEE! They are awesome and I love them and they are like a million dollars. Ok maybe like just over 100, so we buy 3 new beds, 3 new covers and carry on a little lighter in the pocket.

8 months later as we take apart these beds guess what we realize?? Since the new beds...Reed has NEVER WET THE BED.

Its like he was waiting for something new, not covered in his old smell or something? I don't know. What I do know is what a annoying coincidence.

Ah well, we needed new beds and these pee sucker uppers are good for vomit too which come one now, we both know is never very far from my life :)




Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Old journal fun!

My days sometimes take these random turns, like everyones I'm quite sure....It started normally. I'm sure it will end normal but so far, a few hours in I feel like I am on a new path. 

I called Mac Island Child care this morning to get Yvette into child mind so I can get back in my run groove...I'm 2 runs in this week and I feel like I've never ran in my life...not someone who just his summer was running 20 km on a sunday training for marathon. Oh has fast we fall...hahaha! That said I feel good and confident it will come back and I am honestly excited for the process again, well not the process but the feeling at the end, haha!

... ok side ramble, sorry! Back to my weird thoughts.

I called child mind...was put on hold...while on hold went on Facebook...saw a new post from the Fort Mcmurray film makers association, they posted pictures of the Ted X talks in town...that got me you tubing Ted X talks...which I watched about 3 minutes of before the kids needed food, and bums wiped, and toys found and well you know how it goes. It can take hours for a mom to do something that should take a "normal" person 15 minutes.... then while I was looking for said toy in our piles of boxes and messes and half packed bits and pieces, I found one of my old Jouranls from Christmas 2003! 

EEE! Who doesn't love a good journal reminisce!

This journal was the time in my life when I was an insurance broker, dating a distant Chad who was working in Fort McMurray while I lived in Edmonton, I was living with some girlfriends. Watching people around me move in with their partners, get married, travel or other such new life twists and turns. I was working 8-4 at a desk job wondering if Chad would ever want to live with me, get married or well you know all those girl thoughts. I had too much time on my hands to wonder about  my dreaded " future" haha! 

One paragraph I will share for a small taste:

" Well dear journal...I am going to grab my laundry from down the hall before the neighbours steal it again, watch " Newlyweds, Jessica and Nick" and try not to spend the rest of the night obsessing over Chad. Looking forward to his 6 off... Shauna said today if I want him to move forward maybe I should play hard to get. I wish that was my style. I am not over bearing but I am for sure "easy to get"  I hate playing games and I don't want to waste any time with someone who just doesn't know by now.....haha " 

hahaha...and awe. I wish I could have seen the future and not be so...worried....I was always so worried about my darn future! I had known forever what I wanted and was and am the MOST Impaitent person ever....I wish I could have mellowed out..Chad and I were dating about 2 years here and I wanted more and he was...on the fence. ...haha!

Then guess what. I flipped to the back of my journal and believe it or not, I did see the future back the..or I laid out my future, and then somehow I conjured it up because I am living it now. 

In the back I wrote a list of things I wanted. I will share it with you:

"  Things I want before I get to the last page of this journal"


1. Be in love and not care about what everyone thinks

2. Get married 

3. Move into our first home together and finally start a life with my love 

( side note, Chad refused to live with me before marriage...he's an old fashioned sort. I ached for his company those 3 years we lived apart. But I adored him, So we waited and never lived together until we bought our first house and moved to Fort McMurray days after our wedding..now I think Jeez, I sure miss living on my own, hahaha!) 

4. Be memorable to people

5. Be happy

6. Don't worry about money. paying rent. car insurance. food. be settled and secure. Not extravagant but not fearful.

7. Find my passion and do it. 

8.  Maybe have a baby. 

9. graduate high school so I can stop lying about it

10. Get in shape. 


hahaha...some of these goals a little vague, some a little more specific...but then when I was moving into the house we currently live it ( and clearly in a sleep deprived fog because I don't remember doing this) I wrote next to these goals the dates I felt I accomplished them. All in a matter of about 6 years. I wrote what I did and the date and how it made me feel. The twins were 9 months old when I wrote next to my goals.  Today I read them and think how far I have come from where I was and far I have left to go. How my goals kind of sound the same but mean something totally different to me. 

I instantly thought of a few new ones. Specific ones. I wrote them down .I will share them soon. I honestly feel like if you write it down, say it out loud and remind yourself of it, you really have no choice to accomplish it...well if you REALLY want them. haha!

So I have new goals. Mor long term ones...They are in no particular order:

1. Be in love and not care what anyone thinks ( same as before, new meaning to me)

2. Be happy.

3. Be memorable

4. Finish writing a very personal script. Then read it, love it, bury it and move on.  THEN write that really funny one that will turn into a movie for the world to see!! lol

5. Run that marathon.  Lose the last 15 lbs. ( I will pat myself on the back for already losing 40..but this isn't a kudos session, its a GOAL session ;)

6.  Make my passion my career. 

7. Make Chad and the kids always feel like number 1. ( ok 1 thru 6) ha!

8. Be true to myself. Be honest about this life. Be strong. Be awesome. 

I know these might seem weird or vague and I have some more really specific ones ( like I really want to get my realtors licence, I want to go to Europe, I really want to plan our trip to Disney for next year, I really want to be better at doing the kids homework and not putting it off, haha)  

I honestly feel like I have this ting inside waiting to burst out ( and its not a baby...I think) I think we all feel like that. Or I hope we do because its a really good feeling... I feel so lucky and have so much opportunity being given to me in this life that I feel like its my responsibility to make things happen, its just meant to be that I will have many, many, stories to tell!




Monday, March 2, 2015

Why do I hate myself so much...


So I am going to be super shallow and indulge my own insecurities for a few minutes. Why? Um...becasue its my blog and I am allowed too...HA!

Cabaret. By far the most fun I have had in forever.

I have met awesome men and women that I hope to still see and call friends down the road.

 I have a whole blog started on how ridiculously fantastic these people are, and I am not biased at all, they are truly so talented. So giving. So inspiring. So genuine.

I am not sure why most of them don't quit their day jobs and become some kind of entertainment mastermind and show the whole world how cool they are.  None of them have children ( oh wait, one does! Zennon! heh oops! ok...hes a Dad, not to minimize Dads at all, but its a bit different) I feel like I need to grab them and shake these talented artists and say GO INTO THE WORLD!! SHOW THEM! haha...ok not really, but the amount of skill these people have and showed was really inspiring.

NOW...to get to my own totally awful, totally over talked about, totally not even worth mentioning insecure lady drama rama,  (but I am going to mention it anyway of course)   My body image issues. We all have them. We except maybe Rosina. She is goddess and should be worshiped.  ;)

Ok...The facts are:

 -I knew what Cabaret was when I agreed to do it
- I know I am not perfect,  (Heck I have a tattoo that says " perfectly IMPERFECT") t
 -I know I am human, and I am insecure.

all these facts aside, and all the mental preparing aside... I struggled more than I even thought I would through this process. I cried... a few times.  I cried for how much I hated the way I looked. I cried for how bad I thought my body would look to people. I cried for the guilt of smack talking a beautiful costume when it wasn't the costume but the body in it that was flawed. I cried for being so darn shallow for crying about all this...( just to be clear I am not a walking tearful hot mess...I mostly cried late at night alone in bed when everyone was asleep and it was just me and my demon thoughts.)

I have been working on getting comfortable in my own skin for a few years now. Running has really made that happen for me however during the Cabaret run, ( haha) my own runs almost ceased to exist. Between catching up on family duties and sleep and going to rehearsals I had little time to workout. I can gain weight while just looking at bad food. I have awful genes, everyone in my family is overweight and struggles with it. So over the course of the show I got soft. I didn't gain weight but I felt my body begin to change and feel different due to almost zero excursive for almost 2 months.

Who has to go dance in silk granny undies and then allows themselves to get soft just before showing the world their goods?..I DO.

I feel like I was missing my outlet ( running) both for physical fitness and for mental fitness. Running makes my brain feel better... it was what I use to feel good about myself. When we had to first do measurements and give all our stats, get measured in front of a room full of beautiful child less women ( and teenagers) I was pretty ok with that. NO tears, haha! NO regrets. We had to give our weights out loud and I was ok with that.  It a very supportive group of women and I feel totally 100 % fine.

THEN, I had to try my costume on. I was told the wrong material had been ordered and we were working with it. I was given a bra of sorts and some high wasted silk bottoms. The bra was too tight (and I'm an A cup, lol) my underarm fat was spilling out everywhere, it dug into my back giving me that awesome back fat look.

My bottoms...super cute on a hanger...on my body were a sea of pillowy orange. I am so pear shaped. The material had no stretch. The get these " underwear" up over my hips to rest at my waist meant they were huge. They were loose on my waist, baggy in the back giving me hot orange marshmallow middle...but I needed to get them over my wide ass hips every day that we couldn't make them smaller. I looked in the mirror in the change room and teared up. It was awful. I felt like the ugliest girl in the world and I hate that feeling of defeat.  I hate feeling insecure. " fake it till you make it" " own it, don't let it get you down" All the things I heard after I expressed my insecurity
...So feeling like the ugliest girl in the world and then having to SHOW the "World" your stuff and getting told to "own it" was not really making me feel a whole lot better....loved but not better... haha


I was terrified, and I didn't want it to show but how could it not. I wanted to shrink away and drop out of the play and run and hide in my lulu's and baggy tshirt.  BUT...thats just not my style, I am no runner away-er...oh wait I am! I don't want to be anymore, sooooo...I had to just get over it. fake it. own it. I did an awful job of this as all my dressing room mates would tell you....everytime I put it on, it chipped away at my self esteem and everyone close knew it!! lol

" what if they laugh at me."
"what if they think 'how dare she think she can do this looking like that"
" what if I am a huge embarrassment to myself and my husband"
" what if the critics out there who are not a big Aleaha fan ( trust me, there a few out there, haha) what if they have a hay day with this"

OH WELL. What ifs kill a persons spirit and passion. Those are my two favorite things so. oh well what if's.

There. There is my shallow thoughts about my costume and how it tortured me! Here is a small glimpse into the awful self deprecating mind of a women who has had 5 kids in 4 years, twins to boot and should feel like her body is amazing for doing all that, but feels like its worn out, stretched out and too bulky.

For me, to do the show and come on stage and feel like I could still dance for people as best I could was a major accomplishment. My husband will tell you I have made him leave parties or refuse to go out altogether when having a "bad body day" When I had just given birth and my clothes didn't fit right I wouldn't even leave the house. SO to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and push past it in the best way I knew how was really a big accomplishment for me. SO although some people may have thought " jeez aleaha, just get over it" Its much harder to do than that, but I think I did it.

As a side note, I have been on the fence about a tummy tuck and other such things for awhile now and I decided along with Chad that it would be an ok thing for me to go through with. So I  have a consult in Banff this Friday. I felt that doing Cabaret, in the body that I was given, in the state that it is in, with all my own self doubt validated on some level to me, that I am getting a tummy tuck for me. not for the world. They have now seen me in my messy glory, haha! ( tummy tuck is another blog...) haha

SO that was a long winded one sorry! I want to say as well we had a beautiful and wonderfully talented costume designer and my own thought on my costume are in no way a reflection of her work, her amazing work and she accommodated me as best as she could and any issue I had was all on my own. Just in case that wasn't clear. She's awesome. My head sucks;   ;)

To make a short..or do improv or both!

Being surrounded by all these uber talented theatric types has really got me thinking about things I love. I love to write. I love to talk. I love to be creative. I love to make a fool of myself in the process of trying to awesome. I like to try new things. ( I like chocolate but that doesn't really relate but just didn't want to leave that out)

This winter there was a little thing called Winter Reels...it was put on by a  super cool group of people here in town who make up the Fort Mmurray film makers association. They have this challenge called the 72 hr film challenge where you and your group show up at the college, ready to sign up to make a short film in, wait...72 hours. However, they add elements at that exact moment you sign up that are a requirement to make your film qualify. That way there can be little pre planning and or work done in advance. Its usually 3 things and after the screening I learned this year the 3 things were, you and to have a time machine you had to say the phrase " I am totally in Nerdvana right now" and you had to show a way of renting a movie.

I dragged Chad with me to watch the screening of those films that made the cut and I loved it. THEN I thought, I can DO this. Because I am one of those totally naive people who thinks that they could  do almost anything? Chad has agreed to help me and in the first 5 minutes of watching the screenings Chad and I had our own idea, of course, what we might have done if we had been able to participate in this challenge. Of course its totally the greatest idea ever...and no one will ever know, haha!

SO I believe they have one in the summer as well, only it could be a 48hr challenge. My goal from now until then is to learn to operate some kind of camera or equipment or like, an iPad, well enough that I could maybe make a little submission.

There you have it! My next goal...ok...my next side goal involved in the world of being creative and forcing myself and ideas onto people ;)

If anyone would be at all interested in doing this with me let me know. From what I gather we need, actors. Writers. Camera people. editors. I suppose I could do all this alone as one fellow did and did a great job but I kind of like the collaborative experience of it all...but lets be clear, although I am nice, I get a little bossy and you might have to hear me say things like " ok...thats a great idea! HOWEVER...." hehe

OOOH and I have been asking around about an improv group here in town....asa in we don't have one but we NEED one. Some new theatre men I know have said they are hoping to start one! Honestly if they don't, I might....again, no sill or experience just a blind thought that I said....They have let me know they are doing some workshops in the Peace Warriors Health and Arts Festival in May. 1-3rd I believe so I fully plan on checking that out, as you should. How much fun to make fools of ourselves together no!!?  :)

ok must go wake kids for school and feed and brush them. Be back soon. I am seriously going to be writing a lot. My fingers and my soul miss blabbing.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Happily Exhausted

It has been such a busy few months and I had great massive intentions of writing a blog every week since New years and well then...LIFE happened! haha...Hoenstly it has been a really busy, really hectic, really CRAZY FUN times these last few months and I am going to share it all! I am going to catch up on this little old blog and see what I can remember! Its been a magical haze...

First I need to give a shout to Chad.  HOLLA!

While I have been busy selfishly indulging in so many of the things that I have always thought of and hoped to do he has been such a support. He has shuffled kids alone to and from Hockey games, to dance class, to swimming to...everywhere! He has done more than his share of alone bedtimes in the last 2 months and has had to eat cold meals ( that I had to cook before 5pm and then as soon as they were out of the oven jet off before he even was home...so he would come home to a sitter, a house full of messy kids and a cold meal left for him)

Not once did he complain with vigour ...(ok there was light complaining but he had the right, haha!) If not for Chad,  I would have nothing to blog about, or be excited about, to work towards or strive for, if he wasn't there to back me up and set me loose and make me feel safe.

 There is nothing I could do to thank him for giving me all this freedom in the last few months...or wait? I did birth 5 babies for the guy, cook and clean and stay at home for 8 years doing mostly...well, baby stuff. Its MY time now...KIDDING! So thank you my love. Thank you for giving us such an amazing life and being such an amazing support so that the kids and I feel safe and confident to go and do whatever we think we can tackle. Thank my lucky stars I ran into you tipsy that night at Cowboys 13 and some years ago ;)

SO, I have a million things to write about and I will actually get to them but here is a quick summary:

( I was packing up some papers from my room, yes packing! These are things I came across, held in my hands, and made me remember what a year this has been already...and its only March!

- Cabarte Program...my first head shot...Cabaret is over...wahhh....I did it! Insecurities and all! Orange satin grandma shorts and all! lol! So sad to see it over, SO blessed and happy to have been a part of it.  Holding the program makes me weep and laugh...( more blogs on that to follow)

-Change of address forms..We are moving! EEEK! Still in Fort McMurray but two whole acres to call our own...to a house that my children will grow up in, a home far better than one I ever could have imagined for myself, but delighted my babies will know this as home.
( again, more blogs on that to follow)

- I finally graduated ( more depressing and kind of funny blogs on that later...lol...see a theme!) A diploma in hand means I can RULE THE WORLD....haha!

- I fly out on Friday to Banff for my long debated and anticipated tummy tuck consultation. ( guess what...more to follow on that as well!


SEE there is so much going on...its all so meaningful and my life feels really full. I feel really happy and I can't wait to see what else comes down the tunnel this year!!

A few pictures of Cabaret just for fun? OK!! OH and maybe a small one of the house! Not the best picture but it will do for now!










Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Lessons NOT learned...

SO....I said I would blog every sunday starting in the new year and wouldn't you know it things keep coming up...but its tuesday so thats close right? haha!

I have this feeling like I want to blog about things going on in my life that are really personal...Its what I do best...talking about myself HAHA! Without being disrespectful to anyone in my life I am going to try to tackle something today that is still fresh and maybe not ready to be talked about BUT I am going to anyway...

This is a tricky balance and I feel like today I might be offensive or hurt feelings but I decided that to be truthful in life, one has to walk a fine line of being honest while being sensitive to the feelings of others. SO I will try. Here is what I have been thinking.

1) sometimes women are mean to each other and we should stop. Myself included. I wouldn't call myself malicious but at times I partake in unhealthy behaviour because I am human and weak but I am learning.

2) Sometimes it takes a crappy thing to happen again and again and AGAIN before we really learn our lessons.

3) Very often in life there really isn't that true friend that is looking out for your best interests and when you find them you should hang on and hold them dear.

( worth noting, its has been proven many times over that my very own dear friend is Chad. I have another great friend who fills this space as well in other ways equally important to my "well being" and my " sense of self" they shall remain nameless because they are mine and they know who they are.

4) I live my own life. I live my own truth. I don't need your approval on my choices. I don't need your opinions to make me feel good or bad. I don't need you to be my friend for me to be happy.  There are very few people in my world who matter so much and I think we would all do better to really focus on making the people that count happy and stop trying to be everything to everyone.

5) I would LIKE for you to be my friend but my happiness does not depend on you. If you fail me as a friend because of natural human flaws like we all have thats ok and I can either accept that for what it is, acknowledge your flaws as well as my own and carry on as friends or we don't. This acceptance of flaws does not make me someone to be walked over, talked about behind my back or lied to.

6) I am not naive enough to believe that people don't speak negatively about me wether they mean to be hurtful or not. Luckily a lot of sad life lessons in the last two years have helped me understand that at the end of the day guess what...it doesn't matter. I like me. I like a lot of things about me even you don't. I will always understand more than you think I do and I will always try my best to be a good person even if I fail in your eyes.


The last two years have been a lot of very big lesson. Its seems that I have been having a hard time learning some as there is a common thread to these situations I keep finding myself in. The positive side for me on this latest was that I was not embarrassed at all at how I conducted myself or what I said and did. I was honest and whatever happened after that was out of my hands.

These days all I want to do is surround myself with people who are looking for a common goal. Looking to be better. Looking to be happy and fulfilled and carry on in their life with a purpose. Too often we get caught up in negativity and gossip and bad talk and its SO unhealthy. I am trying to be better and I feel like I have made great strides and so I hope that the people that are in my life now really want to be here. I hope they are here to be a friend and be supportive and not to use me as material to talk about when I'm not around. I hope that we can have positive thoughts about each of us and our lives and families and I hope that when an issue arises we will be mature and confront them head on.

I learned a lot of great things about my two dear friends yesterday and it was a rough day. I feel we handled it as best as we knew how and we all showed up and did our best. I am hopeful that we can bury any bad feelings and move on because...life is short and why should we be so sad? so mad? so upset? over what? at the end of the day and the end of this life, over nothing. " People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did but people will never forget the way you made them feel"

I just want to feel happy. and satisfied. and today I do. I hope to everyday, and you can join me or not, thats up to you.