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Friday, October 24, 2014

MARATHON BACK ON

OMG....so....Chad feels despite all the recent health concerns that he would still like to run the Marathon in Vegas...clearly we will choose YES to the health insurance option this year, ha. It would seem our awesome Mom and Dad Frigon are still up for the challenge of watching the kids SO....it looks like i got that "new to me" iPod just in time and I better pick up the pace quick!

WE ARE GOING TO VEGAS BABY.....to run 42 KM. Holy.crap.



Thursday, October 23, 2014

Inspiration!

SO...the kids have been sick the last two days. Its not been ideal.

Haha, ok wait,  being sick is never ideal but its been a busy few days and I feel like we don't have time to be sick, haha!  Why can't the world just stop for 48 hours so we can watch cartoons, drink tea and be wrapped up under blankets together!

So, I was feeling a bit negative and I have been pushing it away and its been creeping up...not like monster negative but thinking things like this:

" My iPod broke and I haven't run in 6 days. I'm getting soft. I NEED to run. run. run.run. I gotta run it out. I NEED to run it out"

" The kids are all sick. I can't run. I can't go buy a 'refurbished' iPod. I can't run alone without music. waaah."

" I failed a test I took. I passed 4 like some kind of flipping untapped smarty pants, but failed one. Failed it miserably. I am an idiot. I'm so dumb. Why can't I just focus. Now I have to re-do it. Its another $200 and another trip to Edmonton. Oh Aleaha...you don't have time to study and do it again why couldn't you just get it right the first time!"

" I need to finish Mias birthday party to do list.  I hate birthday parties"

" Chad had another reaction while running. I am a bit scared. We have to cancel our marathon until we figure out whats wrong. Devestated. Hard work was worth it but no finale. oh well. I feel good?"

" Chad is working so hard these days. He's so busy. Seems stressed on his phone all the time. I hope he's not shouldering more than he should. People are so lazy. Chad works so hard. Eff these people, they are so lucky to have him. So are we...when he's here"

" STOP all this negative talk..."

" Quitting wine is going...not well."

" Quitting coffee is going...even worse"

" I haven't blow dried my hair in 4 days. I have no time to blow dry. Oh god, I'm " that" mom...in lulus and wet pony tails...sigh...oh in another life I would be in a what not to do column..."

" The play doh you made for kindergarten was crap. Gotta buy play doh. Don't have time to buy play doh. Send old mish mashed play doh from our own collection to school and look like " that" mom who didn't make the perfect play doh. Eff those moms. Why can't I be one...waaah"  ;)

Among many other nonsense things, these are things that are on play-repeat in my mind...That said just now I said them all out loud, I wrote them all down. Literally just this second, in this blog.

Well  you know what happened. I feel better. I feel like as I was writing them I was coming up with solutions to resolve them or to just leave them un resolved and just let it go. Send that crap play doh to school and get over it.  Re write the test. It has to be done. Study harder, book it and just go again...and again and again if I have too..which I might because GAWD I am awful at math.

So then as I was thinking of solutions I looked around my house and you know what. All my kids are sick. Yes, I know I said this, BUT...they are not throwing up. They are not crying. They are not pooping in their pants...They are not even whinging for love and attention. They are quietly playing on the iPad together. They are playing lego. They are colouring on the couch. My house, full of germs, is calm. This is so unusual for us, sickness has always meant projectile vomiting and crying moms with crying toddlers for hours on end. This is not the case and I suddenly feel really really happy. Awee....my babies are getting bigger. So are our germs! lol

THEN I read the Connect paper that was sitting in my office for a week while  I wait for the food in the oven to cook. A mom and blogger has an article in there and it was a wonderful read. She's accomplishing so much, she's gone from a successful blog to a successful career in communications right here in Fort McMuray! How inspiring! Then I went to check an email to see if the teachers got my messages about missed school and I saw that the film school in Vancouver sent our finished video to us today! It was written by a fellow classmate who lives in Edmonton, acted and filmed in a park in Vancouver and it was AWESOME to watch. It was fun to see it all completed! All the amazing memories and feelings from the week away all came flooding back and it was such a great 3 min moment in time!  I LOVED that experience, the people I met and cherish that week so much. What fantastic timing to get that email today when I was feeling soooo un-inspired! I am suddenly BACK!

All at once I am feeling less overwhelmed. Happier. Content and even ambitious?  So there it is. Gosh maybe I'm bi-polar but I was so blue, and sad...and now I feel remarkably better...I feel like I can at the very least, make it thru today in a much happier state of mind.

Thanks world, for giving me what I needed today. I appreciate it as does my husband who later will not have to hear this list rattled off right before bed ;)

Monday, October 20, 2014

and just like that...

I was having a bad morning...and then just like that can be snapped into the realization that life is so precious. Don't dwell on the nonsense and focus on the love, and family and the real friends....

 I just logged onto Facebook to read that a very special, wonderfully kind and loving girl whom I grew up with has suddenly passed away. She leaves behind two beautiful and young daughters. I am shocked, devestated.   I have had other friends pass away before but this stabbed at my heart in a way that I haven't felt in a really long time.... Her girls...her family...she was the only daughter of 4 children and I can't imagine how her mom is feeling right now. How her daughters are feeling...so shocked.

Here is a good reminder to love the ones we love fiercely and never let anyone or anything be taken for granted.

I am such a silly woman and am so blessed in my life. My nonsense is nonsense and I will always try to remember this. Life is short. A devastating reminder  :(

tearful

aleaha xo

Why didn't I know myself sooner??

I have been thinking a lot lately about nonsense. Well...not nonsense totally, but things I can't ultimately change so at the end of the day kind of nonsense.

This is already confusing isn't it? I need more coffee...

First I have been doing a lot of, what do the deep and insightful call it, " soul searching"  or maybe reflecting, or maybe just daydreaming. It mostly happens while I wash all the pots and pans at 9pm at the end of a ridiculously long day. Or when I zone out at a red light in a suburban full of loud boys trying to drown out their sisters singing along to Barbie movies playing in the back seat.

To be more clear ( haha although I am about as clear as those before pictures on a pro active commercial) I have been pondering time, and how it always keeps moving on and I have been feeling anxious about my own life and how I feel I have so much I want to do still and how with all that I have done already ( and by this I mean creating and trying to raise 5 kids) will I run out of time before I can do it? Will I forget what I want to do in that long lists of "to do's" where moms and dads wants always seem to come on the bottom. Will there be enough energy and time and desire to do these things at the end of the day? Am I selfish for even thinking these things? For wanting to do things for me? For wanting to try to figure a few things out along the way so in 15 years when Yvette is 18 I'm not going " well, that was fun....now what the heck am I supposed to do?"  Will my husband still love me at the end of the day because now, I am different? I am not the girl he married and I don't know what to do with that. Sometimes he doesn't either. Its a process. Ugh.

I know balance is the key. I know time management is important. I know loving all my little people and helping shape their lives is important.  What I really want to do is try to help them find their passions and what their joy is in life so that when they are in their mid 30's they arnt feeling like I am right now! lol!

I made a choice to be a wife and a mom and one can't really say, well its been a good 10 years, lets see what else there is...but what I feel like I never really got the opportunity to do was to really learn about the things that make me tick.  The things I am drawn to. Or to really become my own person. What are all the things that make us who we are?

I grew up in a small town, with very few extra activities outside of school. In my high school we didn't even have an art or a music program, ha! True story.  I grew up in a religious house where "normal" things like school dances, dating and higher education for example are not necessarily on the list of most important or allowed.  Don't get me wrong, I was raised with good values and my mom and dad taught us all to try our best to be good people and I thank them very much for that.  I am just a bit disappointed that there was little freedom and sadly, little money to explore things and learn about myself and the world.

So I left home a little earlier than I should have and started to work and live on my own in the great big city of Calgary. I was too young.  I made a lot of mistakes and was left to figure out who I was while trying to make sure I paid rent and ate and had a bus pass! So first I worked, I worked a few jobs actually..then I saved money and did things like pay for drivers training so I could get my drivers license. I saved and got my first car. Got my first credit card. My first love. Then my first heartbreak and at 19 moved to another city. Here I got another job, met new friends, started " life" over again while looking still for who I was...should I go to school? Could I go to school and still survive on my own? How could I do this? I don't know, I never figured that one out because I never did go back...I never did and I will always regret that. BUT  I had a FUN job...and out with my fun co-workers one night I met Chad.

Chad was my handsome sweet relief from loneliness and chaos. He was all that I knew and believed to be "perfection" in another person. I was madly in love with him quickly and kind of forgot about "me" and was so happy to be an "us" and to start a life with him. We got married, moved to another city and started our family. 13 years after I met him, almost 10 years of marriage later and now I am wondering whats next?  Not next for Chad and I, I adore him to this day and hope we grow old and senile together. Next as in my selfish way, next for me?  I have said it before and I will say it again, judge me if you must but I am not "stay at home" material. I am bad at cooking. I am awful at doing puzzles and colouring and when the house gets messy in those playful moments of fun where I should be relishing these memories, I get anxious and irritated! haha! But I love my babies. I love to love them and thats the most important right? BUT I am uneducated, inexperienced and have nothing to "fall back on" SO how does a mom with no skill take a stab at being more than a mom? I dunno?

So I started here, this summer I was selfish and took a week alone and went to Vancouver to a film school to get a taste of their writing program. I knew I loved writing, have kept diaries for years and when I can I write on this old blog and it makes me happy. OH MY GOSH it was HEAVEN! Aside from the guilt about being gone, the time my husband sacrificed for me to go and the financial cost to go...it was amazing.

Then my dear friend who heard I loved this program ( because I'm sure I talked her ear off for an hour over coffee) introduced me to a lady in town who is Editor of a local paper...she too a mom of two and currently pregnant with her third! I instantly admired her like no other!

She in turn introduced me to a lady who is the editor of another local paper and this lady asked ME to write an article for  her...  say whaaaa?? OK! It was amazing! It was so exciting and fun to have any chance to write that I was instantly nervous and more excited than I have been in years, lol...excited in the creative writing sense? ha  ;)

So now the article is done and submitted and she is publishing it in the November issue and I am super duper pumped.  It will be in the Fort McMuray Child and you should read it! ha!

Now....in all my "woe is me and who am I" drivel I have begun what I hope is a journey to discovery. I plan to tread carefully and responsibly in hopes that I can be a good mom, be a better wife and keep balance but keep true to myself. I still have to plan specifically but the plan is to figure out more of what will make me feel this spark and work it. It makes me feel happy...and a happy mom is a great thing right!?  A happy wife even better? A happy life with happy people in it? The best blessing out there right.

Just a final note...my sweet Chad. I have been selfish and in the last year and in some ways taken advantage of him and his giving and kind nature. I have taken a lot of time for myself that I truly felt was necessary. He has sacrificed a lot of his free time to let me explore things and I will always be grateful for that and I will try my best to balance his needs in this mix too...I feel confident that in 10 years we are all going to be in a great place...where that place is yet I don't know?! BUT I know wherever it is, it will be good. We will be together, and we will  be different than we are now, older, wiser and hopefully with even more cool stories to share.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

GIRLS girls girls! Kit kat girls!

I got an email last night that made me feel AMAZING!  I was going to blog about it, then I logged on here, read my last post... ( bad idea, I try to never re-read them...ugh)  started to feel heavy...Then I got tired. Then I went to bed and slept on it, not writing a darn thing.

This morning I was thinking how sad and awful my last post was and kind of beating myself up for being so down and out...or thats how I felt when I was typing it, so reading it again made me feel the same. You know what, I don't like that feeling. I had it, I embraced it and now I am letting go!

Then I looked in the mirror at 6am ( ooh, also bad idea...a brutal reminder to not go to bed with wet hair again) Moving on, I took a deep breath, and said

"Aleaha. Get over yourself. GOD. It was a bad day, not a bad week, or month or year or life. Chill the frig out, go write! Who cares what spills forth!" The two people that I know read this certainly don't care, haha!

So heres to moving on, being who I am, honestly being pretty darn ok with that and carrying about my life the way I like to do, in an awesome stay at home mom look on the bright side living in my lulus's life glory!

So back to my email...

ooh, and briefly, a quick backstory...I happened to be at Earls for 90's night this summer, had a few shots, danced a little dance ,won a little dance off, got myself a fanny pack and then the funny notion that was an ok dancer and should take on the world one backstreet boy song at a time...


SO...(gosh I get so distracted)...I got an email from Keyano College....( In case I forgot to blog about this, I tried out for a play at Keyano. Then guess what, I made it. Pffft what?!  RIGHT?! They cast me as a Kit Kat girl in the play Cabaret!!  It is going to be amazing I am sure!)
Keyano sent me a "hello" email and then a list of rehearsal times and then a list of the full cast!  We start Dec 2, 2014 and the play will run in February! Come one Come all it will be awesome!

Its a lot of time to be gone from home, but...once in a lifetime? Wed-Fri nights from 6-10pm and then all day saturdays for I believe 10 weeks....oy. BUT its only 10 weeks right?? ( Sorry Chad, please still love me after this is over)

Then after reading about all the fun and countless hours I will be spending with these new friends I thought I would do what any normal person would do....I face stalked them all! Muwahahah! I want to see faces! I want to  virtually stalk these soon to be bff's so that I can know  all about them before we meet! ( Then of course I have to remember to act like I know nothing about them so I'm not that creepy weirdo who face stalks people, ugh who DOES that..)

So I got to stalking. It was going well, very well! Recognized some people from past plays at the college, some from auditions, some from extra foods check out lines, haha...small town, small community theatre group ;)

THEN I get to the names of other 3 kit kat girl parts!  3 other amazing ladies I would be spending hours with every week dancing our pants off...literally.

do de doo...stalking stalking...when BAM. I slowly begin to realize that these other ladies are TOTALLY AMAZING. They are:

1) Young
2) FIT
3) Beautiful
4) some would say genetically blessed
5) young.
6) Dancers, real dancers.

A moment of self doubt. A rumbling in the pit of my stomach. A small glance down the "perfectly imperfect" body that birthed 5 babies....

SO, yeah, I DO NOT resemble the other dancers in MANY ways...haha!.... My hope is that they were going for diversity? Maybe they needed a mother hen in the group? Maybe they asked me accidently?! oh god how awful. Maybe they didn't really notice what was going on under my tank top that dance day we all auditioned? Then I remembered we had to remove said tank tops and dance in our sports bras so they must have seen something?! I'm hard to miss, my skin gleams white like a teenage vampire ;)

So there was another moment of brief hesitation. Then, I am surprised to say that I actually started to feel great. I really truly honestly didn't mind that these young ladies are well, quite perfect. I kind of don't really care how different I look than the other girls. I feel like, I must have something to offer,  (even if its just the fact that I was picked by default because the other teenage parents would allow their kids in a 18+  play? ) Whatever the reason is I  want to be there so BAD.

I want to dance for hours every night.
I want to be exhausted from the process
I want to meet and get to know creative minds
I want to have this experience.

Maybe thats it? Maybe they smelled my desperation, haha!  So now as I sit here I think how LUCKY I am that THEY, those  director/producer types thought that I was good enough to be with the other ladies. They picked me for a reason and I don't care what that reason is. I am going to get up, show up and RIP IT UP!

So that all said...Does anyone want to babysit for me Friday nights starting in December so Chad can still go to Hockey whilst I dance with teenage dreams? I want to dance but I still want my husband to love me at the end of it and lets not kid ourselves, we all know Chad loves hocket just a tiny bit more than he loves me ;)

Aleaha xoxo