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Tuesday, April 5, 2016

PEACE and some bad language...

I have a moment of peace today, WA HOO!! Kids are in school, I had zero appointments or errands to run and most of the busy-ness will come towards the end of the day so what the heck am I doing?!  Uh, NOTHING. well kind of.

I cleaned the kitchen, put laundry in, vacuumed, ran upstairs returned some emails, decided to go for a quick jog and then I needed to come write because I have been thinking of something for a while and I just wanted to jot it down quick....its about self talk...

Oh but totally off topic first, kind of off topic but kind of not,  the other night, (because its fun for me to vent about Chad, and truly you can only complain about the ones you love the most because you love them the most, and they drive you the most crazy so its totally ok) the other night we had annoying discussions again....

Chad and I were discussing the end of spring break and I was breathlessly lamenting how I loved not having to be somewhere out the door with al the kids at 7:30 every lunches to be made at 6:30 am, if the kids wanted to wear the same dirty shirt 2 days in a row, who will judge, not I ! Means less laundry for back to school means a wee bit of freedom for mom ( for exactly 1 hr and 45 mites every morning while Yvette is gone ) but it also means a lot more structured work which is honestly such a pain...waaah

Chad says " oh I feel so bad for you, I get up at 4:00 am every day and am gone for 14 hrs.."

To clarify its 4 days a actually get 3 days off every week where you have no where to be and no one to take care of, just for clarity.

So next I say, well yes that sucks I could never do it and if I was the bread winner I would NOT be choosing that job let me tell you, Id rather stroll the streets at 1 am looking for....ok wait never mind, ....but thats another convo....

So I say that I dont know how he does it, I really couldn't...but at least he gets up at 4am and just has himself to deal with, kind of like the injured arm thing, sucks to get dressed me he's just dressing himself... To get up at 6am and then have to wake up and ready and "excite" 5 little -ish ones for the day to begin is a huge pain in the ass and not nearly as much fun as it sounds ;)  This little joy he has never really had to do....

He and I have talked a LOT in many convos about how I am a horrible stay at home mom ( in some regards I really am, I hate to cook I do it but I suck, in some regards I KICK ASS)  and I REALLY wish that I had any kind of skill set or income or heck even a sugar daddy to fall back on so that Chad could be the " mom" and I could be the money gal. Well I think  this is all fine and good and for me to say I kind of suck is ok because I feel like I am still ok at this mom thing, 90 percent of the time I am a pretty big fail but the kids are turning out well despite my issues and so that makes me feel happy and like I am doing a few things alright.

Then Chad says this little gem on a sunday night while he eats nachos and I wash dishes and sort our the recycle bins...

Chad-  " well, not to belittle what you do, but I am pretty sure I could do it better, no offence I just think we are built different I could handle your stresses a lot better than you do."


I swear to god like twice a week I want to either kill Chad or totally leave him for 6 months so he can be better at all the crap I suck at.

The other day we had friends over and her Husband says about her, my friend, his wife( they have one small child as well so he gets the kids stuff kind of)  He says,

" She's amazing, I couldn't do what she does and she makes our life so much easier"

Then my husband says he could do what I do only better.


Then I cry on the drive in to school monday morning. Bet people dont know that. Jokes about being a crappy mom from your husband make you feel like a crappy mom and then you cry on the way into school while blasting your free Carly Rae jepsen CD from Ellen, song number 4 " gimmie love" somebody love me....le sigh :(

Ok, I love him so much but why would say that? I know he loves me but what in his make up makes him say that!? He says stupid shit like that ALL THE TIME.

He also said that maybe I could do his job better, so I will give him that, he does think that I can be good at some things and  YEAH I COULD....if I knew the slightest bit about oil, and electricity, and how to BS with men, and viscosity levels and whatever else he does I have no idea...

So THIS story leads me back to my thing about self talk. WOW, that was a big loop around to get back here....

So in the last year I put on some weight about 10 lbs that haven't budged and I have been running again since about 3 months after my surgery and it was a bit hard. It was a LOT hard. So for literally 12 months I have been having a hard time getting back into it, and I would run and yell at myself in my head, I would work out or go to a class or watch myself in the mirror and literally just all the worst things you could say to yourself I said over and over again, thinking that maybe I would just shock myself in to doing it better...or I was just so mad at myself for not " trying harder" but then about 8 weeks ago I had another revelation, that I have known all along but its really hard to remember when you tell yourself for so long that you suck...


If you say for so long,  " I cant" or  " I suck"  or  " maybe I will just never get there"  guess what,  that will actually happen.

8 weeks ago I pulled our some old journals from when I was working out and feeling good and like the best version of myself. I loved myself. When I would run on the treadmill I would stare at myself in the mirror and list all the things I loved, its SO cheesy and SO vain but it made me a GRET runner...I would say nonsense like,

" your SO fast...look at you!"
" look how you dont even look like a hot sweaty mess, your a hot piece of you know what on a treadmill"
" you keep getting better and better at this, running is the BEST"

I would post my runs, I would gloat a little and even on my bad days my inner voice will still mostly so positive and I came out great for it! I had such little negative self talk and my confidence was at a high....

then I got stuck after my surgery and I started that easy spiral to  negativeity and then I would verbalize it to Chad and to whomever... and then I feel like you really do become what you say you are. So I became chubbier and felt like I could never get to where I was.

So maybe Chad says these REALLY ANNOYING things about me because I say them about myself? Maybe he doesn't really think that I suck but maybe I have said it so long that he just agrees with me and he thinks I suck because I say I do? Now he's not off the hook he can be totally emotionless and mean and not even realize it so he needs to learn to be nice to me, but I should be nice to me too..

Ok so there is so much more and I am feeling a lot better these days, the last 8 weeks my running has improved, my eating has improved, I feel like I am starting to look and feel like my old self again because I have made a VERY big effort to talk myself up in front of that awful mirror on the treadmill downstairs...haha...only good words, no bad ones, and 8 weeks later I am feeling better...Its working....

So talk nice to the ones you love, that means yourself makes such a big difference. It means monday moorings on the drive to school you should be blasting Carley Raes " call me maybe" and not " gimmie love"


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