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Monday, July 21, 2014

First world problem?

Life like we say just keeps getting in the way! In the way of getting laundry done, grass cut and blogging! I decided that I really am going to make an effort more to really write,  get some words down on paper just because I love it so much and damn it, I have a lot to say, ha!

Mostly whats on my mind right now is more about life, and the craziness of it, yours, mine, everyones...but tonight the "craziness" of mine in particular. For once its not the kids, its the self inflicted craziness of my mind gone bizerk. I just came back from a week long stay in Vancouver to attend this "intensive" at the Vancouver film school. I took a week long jump into writing for film and tv and let me tell you, it was...amazing. It was just..amazing.  There are people out there who live these awesome lives, these awesome creative lives and sometimes they get paid for it!

For anyone that knows me at all,  I am not an educated gal, I'm not worldly, or savvy  or any such things related. I never really thought outside the box about most things. I think I was raised very simply and straight in the way that you live life and the things that you do in this life. I didn't attend any post secondary school and I just stumbled upon my old office job with an insurance brokerage, wrote a few provincial exams, got a licence and just went to work 9-5 until I got married, had a baby, and then another...and another...( ok 5 babies in 4 years) and well. That's my life in a nutshell. 

When I was at home with all my wee ones before I totally lost my mind altogether I had this thought, " what am I going to do in a few years when these kiddos get bigger? "  I felt like I needed to know what to do in the aftermath of the baby/toddler trauma. Something to look forward too, to aim for, to escape too and I just didn't know. I felt like a teenager in high school thinking about university without a clue as to what to take or why. I wouldn't normally say I am indecisive by any means, even the opposite. ( I'm a leap before I look kind of lady usually..has made for some interesting stories along the way ;)  however i just felt like I NEEDED to know what to do. I had no answerer's and kind of still don't but I feel like I am getting closer. 

My amazing, thoughtful, brilliant, loving, supportive husband has always told me that we are lucky enough to be in a position where I don't NEED to know what I want to do. If I want to work, work, if I don't, don't, work at Wall mart or start my own business for all he cares...Just do whatever I want, do it with a true desire and love. Aweee, see, he's pretty friggen awesome...well that is easier said than done. What do I love? Aside from the love/hate abuse circle I have with chocolate and running...what am I passionate about? What do I know how to do? Simpler, what am I even GOOD at? I have learned that I am good at...giving birth...not killing my own young...and...well....its a short list.  So I am 32 and feeling like I am having a crisis!! A self inflicted, internal, mostly unnecessary CRISIS! aaaaah! 

I know this will sound so arrogant and you may stop reading after this if you bothered to hold out long enough to read this far  ( and thank you if you did, haha) but...since I was really small, even though I had no talents, no money and nothing of notable worth I felt special or valuable. Or more like, I felt like I wanted something special, something big, something larger than life and that I was totally capable of getting it, whatever it was. I just don't know what it is. Then...life got in the way. Now let me preface all this " first world problem" nonsense with this: I know I am lucky to have my husband, my 5 children and my amazing life. I LOVE them. I love my family, my friends and I wouldn't want to change a thing of my journey so far. I know its more than so many have, and more than I deserve to be honest, I know this, I really do....BUT I feel like there is more. There just is and I have to figure it out.

Taking the trip to Vancouver was so worth it to me. It opened my eyes to so much. It made me realize so much that I didn't before. I feel like I am one step closer to finding out what is in store for the rest of this life. Chad promised me this, that he will stand by me no matter what. I promised him that I will always put our family first.  So what does that even mean? 

Well to me, and to him in means time. Time to figure things out. Time to let the kids be young still. Time to get our ducks in a row. In three years my sweet Yvette will be in school full time. In the next two years she will be in kindergarten, in one year the twins will be in grade 1 Coy in Grade 2 and Mia in Grade 4...so many changes in really just a few short years. So I have promised to direct my attention to perhaps more attainable and realistic goals ( aside from uprooting my family to a new province and city, forcing my husband to leave his remarkable job that provides us so much so I can chase a dream, a hope a desire and wish that for one year in school I can try to create this different life) 
 In two years, if there is still a lingering, still a desire, still...something, Chad will make a leap with me and will go. We will go and see. We might crash and burn or we might be making the first step to a life that is even more amazing that neither one of us can predict. I am a FIRM believer in passion. In living life the very best way you know how and to just trying. Ill try anything once ( ok except mussels...and clams...and shellfish of any kind, but that's besides the point...) at the end of the day I know I would feel worse about the never knowing. The always wondering what if would just, hang heavy on my spirit for so long.  Taking a year of life and turning it upside down, maybe just to not have that feeling would be worth it.  SO I guess I am writing because i feel so lost still and its nice to get it all out...sorry this wasn't a funny kid story or an annoying Chad one...oh but don't worry, those will be there a plenty in due time, especially if I turn him into a stay at home dad in Vancouver ;)

So I will write more, practice more, and keep on keeping on and who knows what will happen. I feel like great things will happen, so..stay tuned :)

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