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Monday, September 22, 2014

Who are we anyway?

I was at Yoga this afternoon and the teacher read a quote at the end that really hit me hard. It was something about the quote, or maybe it was just the weekend I had or the day I have been having but this quite hit me hard. It just seemed to make a lightbulb go off.

Her quote was " Its not who we are that holds us back, its who we think we are not" 

Then I got to thinking, its also who everyone else thinks we are that can hold us in one place. Its who people perceive us to be that has us stuck for better or wose at times in this...role....

Sometimes these ideas keep us somewhere we don't belong. Sometimes these ideas don't ever let us get somewhere we want to be. Does that even make sense?  There are days I feel like I am quiet, and thoughtful and reflective and just taking it all in. Then there are days when I feel the opposite and feel like I just want to jump in head first, not thinking of consequence and just want to DO. I am pieces of everything and I know who I am, but does anyone else ever really know?

I have made many mistakes in life and many mistakes in the last few years. I have, at the same time been more true to myself in this last year than I ever have been in my life while taking attacks on my character all the while.  While I think we must always learn from our mistakes I don't feel like these mistakes should define us. However here I am today, caught in an Ocean of mistakes being tossed and turned from one wave to the other. Questions, doubts and concerns. What is a person to do? I don't know...

Recently I have had a lot of ups and downs the same as everyone else has in life. I struggle in ways that maybe you don't, or maybe you do, but should we judge that struggle? Should we become " our struggle?"

Today in particular I am so tried, exhausted really of trying to NOT be my mistakes. Trying to live my life day by day, action by action in the best way that I know how, as a flawed human.  I just want to be who I am. I want to try to not hurt anyone in the process and I want to have a great time living this life.

I have had so much heartache mixed in with a lot of joy and happiness and accomplishment and sense of pride in these last few months. Like everyone else I feel like I know who I am at my core, and I know the kind of person I want to be and strive to be in someway everyday. Wether its a conscious effort or not we all portray one part of ourselves to the world and keep other things private. Latley I have really been trying to merge the "private" idea of Aleaha with the "public" idea of Aleaha. Somedays I feel good about who I am and somedays Iwish I could just rewind time about 5 years and make completely different choices...but who does that benefit? The outside world? They don't have to live my life and live in my head and in my heart and in my marriage, I DO.  So you put yourself out there and hope that people will still love and accept you. There are moments of greatness when you realize you are allowed to be who you really are and people will still love you and understand you. However on the flip side there are those moments when you get knocked down. You realize not everyone has your best interest at heart and sometimes people are selfish and hurtful and as much as they want too, just won't understand. SO today I just have to realize that this is ok. They have their own struggles and who am I to be hurt by their judgements? I don't know them aside from what they show the world and they don't know me aside from what I let them see so who are we? Do we ever really know each other or anyone?.....*sigh*

I love my husband. I love my children. I love my family and I love my friends.  I heard another quote as well that feels so close to me today.  So in conclusion, I have no answers and no profound thoughts. I just have pieces of a puzzle that I am trying to fit together everyday the best way I know how.

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