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Monday, March 2, 2015

Why do I hate myself so much...

So I am going to be super shallow and indulge my own insecurities for a few minutes. Why? Um...becasue its my blog and I am allowed too...HA!

Cabaret. By far the most fun I have had in forever.

I have met awesome men and women that I hope to still see and call friends down the road.

 I have a whole blog started on how ridiculously fantastic these people are, and I am not biased at all, they are truly so talented. So giving. So inspiring. So genuine.

I am not sure why most of them don't quit their day jobs and become some kind of entertainment mastermind and show the whole world how cool they are.  None of them have children ( oh wait, one does! Zennon! heh oops! ok...hes a Dad, not to minimize Dads at all, but its a bit different) I feel like I need to grab them and shake these talented artists and say GO INTO THE WORLD!! SHOW THEM! haha...ok not really, but the amount of skill these people have and showed was really inspiring. get to my own totally awful, totally over talked about, totally not even worth mentioning insecure lady drama rama,  (but I am going to mention it anyway of course)   My body image issues. We all have them. We except maybe Rosina. She is goddess and should be worshiped.  ;)

Ok...The facts are:

 -I knew what Cabaret was when I agreed to do it
- I know I am not perfect,  (Heck I have a tattoo that says " perfectly IMPERFECT") t
 -I know I am human, and I am insecure.

all these facts aside, and all the mental preparing aside... I struggled more than I even thought I would through this process. I cried... a few times.  I cried for how much I hated the way I looked. I cried for how bad I thought my body would look to people. I cried for the guilt of smack talking a beautiful costume when it wasn't the costume but the body in it that was flawed. I cried for being so darn shallow for crying about all this...( just to be clear I am not a walking tearful hot mess...I mostly cried late at night alone in bed when everyone was asleep and it was just me and my demon thoughts.)

I have been working on getting comfortable in my own skin for a few years now. Running has really made that happen for me however during the Cabaret run, ( haha) my own runs almost ceased to exist. Between catching up on family duties and sleep and going to rehearsals I had little time to workout. I can gain weight while just looking at bad food. I have awful genes, everyone in my family is overweight and struggles with it. So over the course of the show I got soft. I didn't gain weight but I felt my body begin to change and feel different due to almost zero excursive for almost 2 months.

Who has to go dance in silk granny undies and then allows themselves to get soft just before showing the world their goods?..I DO.

I feel like I was missing my outlet ( running) both for physical fitness and for mental fitness. Running makes my brain feel better... it was what I use to feel good about myself. When we had to first do measurements and give all our stats, get measured in front of a room full of beautiful child less women ( and teenagers) I was pretty ok with that. NO tears, haha! NO regrets. We had to give our weights out loud and I was ok with that.  It a very supportive group of women and I feel totally 100 % fine.

THEN, I had to try my costume on. I was told the wrong material had been ordered and we were working with it. I was given a bra of sorts and some high wasted silk bottoms. The bra was too tight (and I'm an A cup, lol) my underarm fat was spilling out everywhere, it dug into my back giving me that awesome back fat look.

My bottoms...super cute on a hanger...on my body were a sea of pillowy orange. I am so pear shaped. The material had no stretch. The get these " underwear" up over my hips to rest at my waist meant they were huge. They were loose on my waist, baggy in the back giving me hot orange marshmallow middle...but I needed to get them over my wide ass hips every day that we couldn't make them smaller. I looked in the mirror in the change room and teared up. It was awful. I felt like the ugliest girl in the world and I hate that feeling of defeat.  I hate feeling insecure. " fake it till you make it" " own it, don't let it get you down" All the things I heard after I expressed my insecurity
...So feeling like the ugliest girl in the world and then having to SHOW the "World" your stuff and getting told to "own it" was not really making me feel a whole lot better....loved but not better... haha

I was terrified, and I didn't want it to show but how could it not. I wanted to shrink away and drop out of the play and run and hide in my lulu's and baggy tshirt.  BUT...thats just not my style, I am no runner away-er...oh wait I am! I don't want to be anymore, sooooo...I had to just get over it. fake it. own it. I did an awful job of this as all my dressing room mates would tell you....everytime I put it on, it chipped away at my self esteem and everyone close knew it!! lol

" what if they laugh at me."
"what if they think 'how dare she think she can do this looking like that"
" what if I am a huge embarrassment to myself and my husband"
" what if the critics out there who are not a big Aleaha fan ( trust me, there a few out there, haha) what if they have a hay day with this"

OH WELL. What ifs kill a persons spirit and passion. Those are my two favorite things so. oh well what if's.

There. There is my shallow thoughts about my costume and how it tortured me! Here is a small glimpse into the awful self deprecating mind of a women who has had 5 kids in 4 years, twins to boot and should feel like her body is amazing for doing all that, but feels like its worn out, stretched out and too bulky.

For me, to do the show and come on stage and feel like I could still dance for people as best I could was a major accomplishment. My husband will tell you I have made him leave parties or refuse to go out altogether when having a "bad body day" When I had just given birth and my clothes didn't fit right I wouldn't even leave the house. SO to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and push past it in the best way I knew how was really a big accomplishment for me. SO although some people may have thought " jeez aleaha, just get over it" Its much harder to do than that, but I think I did it.

As a side note, I have been on the fence about a tummy tuck and other such things for awhile now and I decided along with Chad that it would be an ok thing for me to go through with. So I  have a consult in Banff this Friday. I felt that doing Cabaret, in the body that I was given, in the state that it is in, with all my own self doubt validated on some level to me, that I am getting a tummy tuck for me. not for the world. They have now seen me in my messy glory, haha! ( tummy tuck is another blog...) haha

SO that was a long winded one sorry! I want to say as well we had a beautiful and wonderfully talented costume designer and my own thought on my costume are in no way a reflection of her work, her amazing work and she accommodated me as best as she could and any issue I had was all on my own. Just in case that wasn't clear. She's awesome. My head sucks;   ;)

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