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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A new leaf?

I woke up this morning like I have every other morning for nearly two weeks...tired. In part due to the kids still wake up in the night ( I had a bad dream! I peed the bed! Is it morning?)
and in part due to the fact that I cant shake a horrible feeling. Its a sad, deep, dark blue depressed feeling that I cant get rid of. Its not usual for me to be so, what's the saying, down and out?  Its left me welling up in tears for a week and its not getting any better. In case your wondering, no its not the lack of chocolate in the house lately, although that has been welling up in tears too everytime I go to grab a Halloween treat and end up with a rice cake, BOO!  I need a change. I need to stop spinning in circles and screaming nonsense that no one is listening too, and I don't mean the kids.

Where to begin?

This has been the best year of my life...and the worst year. There has been personal goals reached, family  milestones crossed, new places travelled, new friends made and loved. There has also been struggles. Relationships tested, values put under the microscope, friends lost through poor or no communication, the highs have been wonderfully high and the lows, the deepest I have seen or been through yet.  I am usually a lady who will look at the bright side, and be happy at the end of the day but not lately. Not today, not anyday for a while.... now I'm rambling. OK. Today I decided to take leave of absence from my lovely Facebook. Aah, Facebook....

I love Facebook, we have been friends for years!! I use it always and since the beginning it has always been there for me. It marks my days accomplishments, it remembers a funny post my kids said when they were 2, it logs all my most treasured pictures and funny stories. It lets me see pictures of loved ones near and far, its my social calendar and outlet to communicate while I continue this stay at home mom gig. Facebook how I love you....but like any long term relationship we have hit a bump. 

For me, currently, It has become an outlet for miscommunication, misunderstanding, assumptions, blame, lies and hurtful accusations with no ground to stand on. What happended to the days of a phone call to clear the air, a coffee to talk over our woes, a hug to say sorry I messed up and the respect of a face to face chat?  To me those days are gone, people post cruel messages full of hurtful words and accusations without having to look you in the eye. People make assumptions based on rumors and gossip without the benefit of the doubt or at least a phone call. Words are turned around, intentions are lost and hate and bullying seem to be the way some people use their facebook. I don't think this is the norm nor do I think that all my dealings on facebook in recent months have been negative, but some have, and these have affected me in a large way. I don't love it when my daughter sees me tearful reading a hurtful message. I don't like the freedom to send out hate into the world of facebook without any consequence just stand back and let the chips fall where they may.

I need a break.

I need to remember why I began on facebook in the first place? I need to take a step back and evaluate what I do and what I say and how its coming across to people? I don't want to hurt people unintentionally and I don't want to walk around with the images in my head that some people have been poorly painting of me..... I am awful too....I will read and re-read again and again a hurtful message, I will replay an event over and over and wonder how it went so wrong or how I was able to be taken so wrong?...I will pick it apart and over and under until its burned into my brain. I wont sleep. I feel sick all day. I run until my lungs burn because I forget to breathe while thinking of these moments again and again....Its such a bad thing...I need to let go of the hateful things from this last year and move conclusion is, its hard to move on when people have you at their fingertips on facebook. Oh you can delete them, you can block them, you can make your facebook a fortress and there is still ways around it...people will find you...facebook has made our world so small at times that we are connected in ways we don't even know!? 
So for me,  its hard to move on when you see it happen again and again. Its hard to say "please leave me be" when I make myself so vulnerable by displaying my life on facebook for the lovers and apparently for the haters. So for now I am turning over a new leaf. I am a lady who likes to chat and show off my life because you know what its a pretty frigon great life and I can do that in other ways.  I will  put aside facebook and let things just be. I am letting go of all the negativity, which sadly includes facebook right now. Guess what, I am a nice person, a good mom, friend and wife and I know who I am at my very core. I felt so shaken as of late, so much so that I questioned all of those things. Guess what though, I have a husband who loves me more than he loves his own life, children who ( even if sooo annoying at times) just want to be by my side all ( like ALL) the time. I have friends who care, friends who understand and friends who love me no matter. I have family near and far that I know I can always call on. This is what is important. This is what I have to remember and this break is going to be a nice time to remember and reflect on all the good things.... and you know what, when I get back to feeling full of life and love again, guess what? I will NEVER be bullied into silence again. I will never allow myself to be made a victim like I have. I will NEVER accept anyones definition of my life. I DEFINE MYSELF. I am awesome. So look out.

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