Life- bla

I am a tad tired so this might be one of those negative " whoa is me, boo hoo, my life is so hard" kind of posts...So latley when I feel this way I try to shake it off, pick myself up, rehearse some affirmative life quotes that I would like to share with you now...bahaha! Not really, I wish I was like that actually but I suck....I like to dwell on my grumpiness for a little while and over think all the things that drive me crazy, and write them all down to share with the world. Here I will give you a small list in hopes to make myself feel better:

Things that suck in my life:

( ok dont get me wrong this list is going to be really superficial. YOu wont see anything like, hungry, poverty, no home etc those really do suck... and I have a great life, again I am just tired and complaining however petty and annoying that seems it makes me feel better and Chad wont let me get therapy)

Ok..Suckiness

1. Waking up at 5:30 for he umpteenth time in a row to 3 toddler boys fighting in their room over a b" barbie princess Charm school book" after just feeding my sweet 4 month old and getting her back to sleep. ( So really up since 5)

2. Having no creamer again becase I rushed thru grocery shopping while I had the girls with me and Yvette was grumpy and Mia had to pee.

3. Having Reed and Ryley fight over who will sit on my lap at this very moment while I try to type about all the things they do that annoy me...aaaaaand I just got a foot in my face and a someone is pulling my pony tail.... " SERENITY NOW" ( there, I scared them...they are gone for a second...)

4. Making a meal plan for the month! Sticking to it! ( this makes me feel good) However, having not only my kids but my husband critisize 80% of this meal plan makes me feel bad. And then having my husband tell me in so many words how it could do it better, makes me feel bad too. Oh and him scrutinizing my shopping the last few weeks, again makes me feel bad. ( I used to let him grocery shop, now I want too, I know what we need better, and I am making all the meals and doing all the planning so I should get to shop...) In general cooking for, trying to feed, and then this morning throwing away the meal that took me an hour to cook last night that sat relativley untouched while my kids drank milk and my husband ate nachos with cheese and micrwaved french fries, makes me feel bad. ( For the record I made chicken pot pie, from left over roast chicken I cooked the night before, really is it that gross? You would rather micrwaved fries and nacho chips?

6. ( or 5, sorry 4. was long)

Having Chad be gone overnight in Calgary. I hate bedtimes alone. They suck and I always end up feeling like a bad mom while my kids cry in their rooms and I yell " I dont care!!!! Go to sleep!!!!"

7. Aftet buying groceries, cleaning and organizing my pantry I come down after putting Yvette to seep to find the twins have taken their energy ot on my clean panty. Picture above was from last night. Took me 45 minutes to clean it up and vaccum rice from all over my house...again.

8. Not having the time ro finish complaining about nonsense because the boys have just run upstairs and woke my baby girl. * sigh*

The beginning of the end

Ok, well I will just get to the point...Chad was suppossed to have his special " man surgery" in February so that we wont be having to dig condoms out of the washing macheine any more!
( that lovley reference is for my facebook gals)
and I was good with that, kind of sad,
(even though I dont want more babies or to be pregnant EVER, just sad about it and I cant explain why so dont ask)

I have been preparing for it mentally and thought I still had a few months to go until my baby making days were over....then a few weeks ago I got a call from the Hospitial saying they had a cancellation and Chad could get in in 2 weeks! WOW! The waiting list for "that procedure" here in Fort McMurray is a whole year and we have been on the list for over 9 months already so thats great news! I told the lady we will take the opening and called Chad and booked it up! Chad sounded hesitant and the I felt bad, so began the questions:
" Do you want too? If you dont want too, its ok we can still keep the Febuary one..."
" Are you ok?"
" Are you nervous?"
" Are you sad?"" ( note that the pitch in my voice only got higher with each question...)
" You do still want to do it right?? Cause I had to push out FIVE babies, TWO at the same time..and not that I expect you to do it...ok, well yes I do...but thats besides the point...do you still want too??"
" seriously, answer me... are you ok??"

Chad responds: " yup, um, yup..I mean, one second..."

( my eyes are big and my heart is racing)

Chad: " Ok, good to go, I have no hockey booked for those few days after..good to go!"

??? men.

So tomorrow is the big day. I dont know if hes nervous and if he is he isnt saying...but I am nervous for him, and a bit sad still...yes yes I have five kids I should satisified and I am, I just hate endings....

We have had a busy few weeks, and Chad just came home from Chicago last week ( a changed man might I add...what happens in Chicago...?) So I havent been thinking much about the impending end of baby making days...then today I thought I should call the hospitial, a few weeks ago they said they would send us a package with details for Chad and we havent got it?
So I called and they said he didnt have any appoitments at all?? WHAT? None in Feb or tomorrow?? I almost lost it...but then rememberd all the litte ears around me and I was holding Yvette in my arms while I paced the kitched floor...

" what do you MEAN you have no appoitments AT ALL for him" Someone called me with a cancellation and moved his appoitment up 3 months? I clearly remember the conversation and my joy/sadness at this news....Is this for real? Am I beign punked?" I was assured he had no appoitments... long tense silence.....

" oh wait, we found the one in Feburary but we have no openings for tomorrow, why would you bring him in tomorrow when he has no apoitment?" ( possibly he dumbest question I have heard in a while)

I wont go into full detials of my conversation with the booking lady but it involved a lot of big words and deep breaths to remain calm...and after 15 minutes he had an appoitment for tomorrow! Yay! ( turns out they cancelled his Febuary one when they called me and no one re- booked it for the Novemeber cancellation...so they are "fitting him in" .....how you fit in this kind of thing into a booked surgeons day I have no idea? As long as the surgeon isnt mad and taking it out on my poor husbands goods I dont care how they fit him in.

I called Chad with the story and he says " oh, I would have preferred Febuary" ...REALLY!? Well I am not going to call and change it now, so its tomorrow! Prepare your boys, your going under!"

I was so busy being annoyed with the hospitial (and Chad for that matter) and then it hit me...tomorrow my life will change forever. Not like it did when I got married, or got pregnant for the first ( or fourth time) but it will never be the same. I am officially ALL DONE having babies. I will never be pregnant again. ( I am a bit teary at this clear realization...) Never again will I have to worry about birth control ( well after the first few months to make sure the swimmers are all gone) never have to feel morning sickness, never feel the pains of a natural labor, never again imgine what more of our children would look like ( even though they would look like Chad, beacuse they ALL do) I have spent so much time getting pregnant, ( FYI, that part is fun) being pregnant ( less and less fun as I went along) and its been my thing I guess you could say? And now its all done. Yvette really is my last baby. She was my last positive test, my last horribly painful but so exciting labor ..my last baby news to share with the world.... everything she does now is the last of the firsts...Its so weird...I didnt plan on ever having 5 kids...and usually they drive me so bonkers that I think I dont have any buisness being a mom...but now that that whole part of my life is over, its kind of sad.
So Tomorrow at 7am we will be taking Chad down to the hospitial...and that will be that. The end. I guess there is still a lot of new things to be excited about, like eventually all my kids will be able to wipe their own behinds....feed themselves, there will one day be no more carseats, no more Dora, no more toddler tantrums...I have to say that I am glad we didnt make it final after the twins...I'm gald I was able to " go out with a bang" Yvette is a wonderful baby, and makes me feel like sometimes I know what I am doing. So I know now is the time to end it and be happy and call it a day. But I'm sad :(

Vegas part 2

I am sitting in the Edmonton airport killing time until my flight...I am thinking about my trip and all that we did and all that we wanted to do but didnt have time for...I am thinking about how out of shape I am because my legs are killing me from all the walking! All in all, it was a great trip!! My first impressions were not that fantastic and after the first day there I was kind of questioning if this was the the kind of holiday for me, but in the end I would love to go back, there so much I didnt get to do that I want too! I think the key is time of day ( walking the strip for the first time at 1 am in horribly uncomfortable shoes, after losing your credit card and having your breasts exploding because I forgot the pump, all directly after flying all day and getting up at 5am to boot... not the greatest way to first experience Vegas) A good nights sleep, a fun breakfast and a noticeable lack of nudie cards made the trip much better!

People told me going on a holiday with your girlfriends will make or break your friendship and I have to say I still love those crazy Zambuca shooting- high fiving strangers- shop till you drop buying $30 chap stick... party animals that I call Leah and Natalie. Ok, Leah is a bit more a party animal but I wont blame Natalie, she doesnt like to feel out of control, and who else would have put me in my jammies and taken my contact out if it wasnt for Natalie and her in control ways! ;)

We saw "O" last night...first actually we had to buy tickets that were TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS to see O, I had a mini panic attack thinking how many "foot rubs" I was going to have to give Chad for those tickets and was hoping it was going to live up to all the hype. So for the record I want to say, IT DID live up, did it ever!!! WOWOWOWOWOWWW! It was AMAZING! There were times I was so nervous for the performers that I couldnt keep the gasps in if I wanted too and my hands were sweating like a teenage boy dancing with his first girl! It was so great I would go again in a heartbeat! We didnt get to go on the roller coaster in New York New york due to excessive shopping and so that was disappointing but it will be something to do next time. We did however get all gussied up in our mommy best and went to the Bellagio before "O" and had a VERY yummy dinner in a VERY fancy restaurant. I think the restaurant actually made Natalie a bit snooty it was so fancy she wouldnt let me ask the waiter to take our picture because " it wasnt his job and not that kind of place" boooo to her! We got to eat food that melted in my mouth, we were truly waited on like we were special and we were able to see the most breathtaking water show from the terrace that I have ever seen, now THIS was my kind of holiday!
We strolled the Forum shops with all their Gucci, Prada, Dior stores like were were so poshy posh. Last night was in Stark contrast to the blue jean wearing, zip lining drunk dancing in the street to Def Leopard that was the night before, this was classy Vegas and I LOVED it Who knew?
I had so much fun with these ladies, we had such great moments of real hearty laughing, new experiences and wonderful memories that I am glad I went with them and was a part of it!

Today though I feel anxious to get home. The 3 hour plane ride from Vegas to Edmonton was LONG, I just wanted to get there and get there quickly! (and the man behind me kept farting...he kept saying excuse me but that didnt help, it was baaaad.)
I actually burst into tears talking to a security woman in the EIA... She was older and kind and I was last in line to check my bags again for my connecting flight. She made small talk with me and asked me if I had a good trip and I said it was my first trip away from my baby girl...she patted my arm and the tears started flowing from me so quickly that I couldnt stop them if I tried. She was so kind and told me stories of when she left her babies to holiday and felt the same way...I am so conflicted by these emotions, I want to get away and relax and find myself again but when I go my heart is broken and aching for my babies....I wil be home in 2 hours from now and it just cant come soon enough! I called Chad and spoke to the kids and cried the whole conversation, people looked at me like I was crazy but thats ok, I dont care :)

So when I get home tonight I am going to put up some pictures on facebook and re live the Vegas experience!! Talk to you later! Time to board my plane and get home to my family!!!

Vegas baby!!

I think that I have realized why "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"....its because you are too embarrassed, horrified, shocked or just plain drunk, to either remember it or sometimes really understand it. Vegas is a CRAZY place. There are literally almost NO rules, or consequence or depth its all a big show...I was thinking Vegas is kind of like a two year old and by that I mean there seems to be that same kind of level of selfishness and craziness that comes with a two year old.....only two year olds dont you give nudie cards every time you turn the corner of your house, well at least mine dont, I dont know what kind of things you give your toddlers but nudie cards, not high of my list.

For me what happens in Vegas, stays on my friends voicemail with that drunk Dial, or in that bag of chips I made Leah dump in the back of the cab so I could be a lady and toss my cookies " discreetly" in the cab ( I say discreetly but really was it? If I held the bag to face at 2 am while groaning did that nice cab driver think I just REALLY liked the smell of Lays?)
But lets rewind a little, before all the tossing of the cookies nonsense.....From the moment we landed Vegas has surprised me in a lot of ways. Not that I am a huge goodie good girl but I am so shocked at the no rules. Here, people are smoking EVERYWHERE, there are ash trays in the stall of your toilet, in your cab, only people dont use them because they are all over the street. You can literally carry your alacholic beverage with you ANYWHERE!! The road, the stores, the cab, the Wallgreen's? ( do you think the lady working the till at wallgreens was questioning why I was holding a penis shaped margarita drink AND buying a breast pump? I bet she didnt even notice because of the level of CRAZY that is here, I bet I looked pretty darn normal)
There are regular responsible looking people here who you may be friends with back home or want to have play dates with and then you realize they are pushing a stroller with a sleepy looking toddler in it or in the case of lady Leah and spoke too an 8 WEEK old baby and its 1 AM?! Oh, and they may or may not be holding a penis shaped margarita too while that push that stroller?! GET THAT BABY OUTTA VEGAS AND INTO BED WITH A BANKIE AND A SIPPY CUP OF MILK!!!!! No one needs to see itty bitty Mexicans giving out nudie cards, or men in stilts who look like the devil.... for sure not babies!!...Dont you think it would scar a poor child to have a hooker bend over and gitchie gitchie goo you when your two, its weird. unnatural. I dont know if its the smoke or the blantan lack of morals but I feel so filthy here, and would NEVER bring my kids here. Ever. Why would you even think a place called " Sin city" would be a fun vacation for you and your newborn baby and your two year old? That actually really bothers me the most, yes I suppose dont like seeing hooker cube vans drive around accosting us all with their loud " ladies direct to you in 20 minutes" billboards but it breaks my heart to see overtired babies wearing mardi gras beads wandering Fremont street at midnight.

To not be so negative though, there are TONS of super fun things to do here ( for ADULTS , GET THAT BABY TO BED!) and I think I would come back despite this towns overwhelming lack of moarls and filthiness....Last night Leah, Natalie and I zip lined down freemont street and it was AWESOME! We shopped in an amazing outlet mall, outside, in 30 degree weather in October! We ate breakfast in a rainforest cafe that has waterfalls, fake night skies and jungle animals that roar while you eat ( way cooler than it sounds) We didnt get kicked out of that Diner for being drunk and loud while we ate our chicken fingers, (mostly because I think the couple across from us was too distracting while doing their lines of coke directly off their table so no one took too much notice of the drunk mommy types) People will give you massages while you shop, hold doors open, hail cabs let you take their pictures when they look like a freak! (Mostly all for a tip money though), actually I wanted to take a picture of the girls done up beautifully as old school showgirls but they wanted money for you to take it, so I went across the street and used the zoom on my camera and took it when they were not looking...ok thats a lie, I dint do that but I wished I could have....I gave the poor thing one dollar and Chad would be so annoyed that I paid a dollar for a picture but I didnt want to be like the rest of Vegas and be rude, so I paid her for her " cheese!"
Today we are going to tube down a lazy river in our hotel, go on a roller coaster in New york, eat the greatest crepes ever made and see a show called "O" which turns out is not Oprah but an underwater Cirque show and we will be impressed. I am excited for today and hope to be wowed!

On a serious level I know that for me this is not totally " my thing" so far but I am looking foward to the day aheah, it has been a lot of fun and relaxing and such a change of pace to be away from home... but every time I am not thinking about how to avoid getting nudie girl cards thrown at me, I am heart sick for my family. I feel lost without them...I miss them a lot. More than I thought I would ever, is that bad to say? Looking around and being here in this out of this world environment I see how crazy blessed I am to have them. To have Chad and my babies is all I ever wanted in life, so far, and I have it and I am so lucky to be able to show off my family with my tiny photo book full of pictures to drunk strangers at the VLTS. They are something to be proud of and I really really am. I am missing getting a hug whenever I want one, Ryley will hug me without question anytime I ask, and not just a pat on the back like a big old bear hug with his arms and legs wrapped around me! It didnt feel quite as nice when the lady won at the penny slots and bear hugged me, yup, not.quite.the.same.....If I wrote about how much I missed Yvette I would start to bawl and then leak and then have to go get drunk so I dont think about her beautiful sweet face and how she always smells like caramel and kisses. I am crying. " think of carnies think of carnies..ok not crying now" So even though I complain about my family a lot and run away to Las Vegas just to pee alone, I need them. I love them. I feel lost without them. My heart just isnt the same when they are not here and I cant wait to run back home and tell them all about this crazy place.

Now its 9am and I know there is a buffet somewhere calling my name. Peace out!

Mia turning 5

My first baby will be 5 tomorrow...shes in Kindergarten and is growing up to be everything that I thought and hoped she would be. Mia Isabella, my Mia girl.... all 7 lbs 9 oz of her came into this world, and into my heart and blew me away. Shes pretty darn awesome if I do say so, shes smart and kind and likes to be helpful..she loves music and riding bikes, she loves her brothers and her baby Yvette....she loves dancing and skating...above all she loves to be loved...she loves to hear stories about when I was pregnant with her, about when she was a baby and how her daddy would sing ( quite off key mind you) to her when she would cry and I love to tell her all her stories.

Tonight I am thinking about how I felt that night I went into labor. I was so, so, so, anxious, 10 days overdue already I was seriously downing that Castor oil and loving Chad up like we were newly dating teenagers ANYTHING to get this little baby outta me! I had wanted to have a baby since the moment Chad and I got engaged and it was so close now. I had been off work for 2 weeks already and was much to anxious to even enjoy it! Let me tell you if I could go back in time I would have taken a month off before and just cherished each and every second that I got to be alone...I would have taken hour long showers, and have had long drives alone listening to my music loud...I would have laid on the couch more, talked on the phone more, spent more time getting to know my husband actually...Looking back this would be the last time that he would be the most important person to me, the person who I was happy to give all my love and attention too... for a long, long time this will be the last time we really focus on building our relationship without talking about poop, vomit, tears and the lack of milk our house always has. I miss loving him in that undivided attention kind of way...ok off topic...

So 10 days overdue, October 11 2006, Chad has a late hockey game and I head to bed at 11pm...then while laying there I feel what I think might be contractions...I think? I never had any "fakers" so I am not sure...for about 30 min I lay there on my side, counting the minutes in between...hmm every 5 minutes or so! This could be it! I am pumped!! I decide to get up, get dressed, and have a glass of chocolate milk, because really all major occasions call for chocolate milk do they not? So I pace the kitchen, doing laps around our island I am starting to feel them every 4 minutes so I call Chad! This is it! weeeee! I am SO excited!! And these contractions are not so bad, whats the big deal? Chad says he is on his way....cut to 45 min later still no Chad and these contractions are every 2 minutes and kind of not so great anymore...kind of feels like someone is twisting my spine with a hand of fire while they stand on my stomach with golf shoes....
I call Chad again, seriously Chad its time...like now...please stop drinking beer in the change room with a bunch of naked middle aged men and get home NOW. A few minutes later Chad is home and I am ready to go!
We get to the hospital and it takes some time to get registered, get checked out and into a room...its about 2 am now and its been about 3 hours since I felt that first lovely contraction only now they are not so exciting and lovely, they actually are really miserable and I want to die. No joke. Kill me. please. So we get a room and I am only 3 cm!? WHAT?! THAT'S IS?! Good god....I'm never gonna make it!...The nurse asks if I want an epidural and I say, no thanks not yet I think I will be ok....rookie mistake. Huge mistake... So she leaves and the pain in my lower back is so bad that every time I have a contraction I am literally brought to my knees, its so awful I cant find the words to give the pain its proper dues...Chad tries to hold a water bottle on my lower back but at this point its like trying to put out a fire with a eye dropper....I am just on all fours on the floor in miserable blinding pain and the nurse comes in and says I have to get on the bed to get checked out...well she could have said " you need to recite the alphabet in German on one foot while balancing knives on head" because there was no way I could make it onto that bed I couldn't even move. Back labor is now a curse in my house... I happened to be crippling pain while my spine was being ripped from my body thru my a$$... but by the grace of God and Chads strong muscles he managed to get me up on that bed and get checked and lucky me after less than an hour I was 10 cm and good to push..ok I want drugs...

" sorry! Its too late! But your doing great!"

I am? Have you noticed that I am about to die? Do you want my baby to have no mother? Would you do that to a poor innocent baby...granted this is the same baby thats KILLING ME, but still? Look at my husband he could never do this on his own. Please I dont want to die, give me some drugs...nope sorry. Cue the panic. Cue the nurses flooding in. Cue my legs in the air....and calls to Dr. Wong home asleep in his bed, baby was ready to come. The scenes that follow were so horrific that I have blocked a lot out, I closed my eyes on my first push and didn't open them unil the end... After soul crushing, life sucking, unbearable 40 minutes of pushing Dr. Wong arrives, slices me like a turkey on thanksgiving and Ta Da! Its a GIRL!!!!!! I open my eyes for the first time in 40 minutes and see her face, shes so beautiful...really really beautiful....wow how did Chad and I manage that?! Bravo to us! ...I love her more than my own life and I just met her, crazy how that happens..a minute ago she was killing me and now I would die for her....
Its been a whirlwind 5 years thats for sure and thru it all Mia has been my girl, my helper, my friend, at times my only lady ally in the house. All my dreams are wrapped up in her and her curly blond hair and goofy smile...she is my soul mate, my first born and the first to steal my heart in a second. I am so happy that she belongs to me and that I have the privilege to be her mom...I cant wait for the rest of our life together :)

Gibberish

Is it my right as a mom to not always listen to what my kids say? Typically I tune them out because they are loud and whiny and just super annoying so I tune them out or I otherwise might ram a fork into my own eye or something...and then lately they have been kind of cute and sweet and I have been trying to pay better attention to all that they have to say.... *gasp* (I know, I cant even believe it myself) and Reed and Ryley are really starting to get this talking thing down...but for the last few days they will talk to me, and really with a lot of animation and inflection and gestures and I am following along all,
" no!? really! Wow...good boy! Can you show me?"
and I have to say " show me" all the time because I have zero idea what they are talking about, like no idea, none...notta clue, blank screen over here...
So because I am trying to encourage some kind of communication other than screaming random threats from the kitchen to the toy room I try to get them to take me by the hand and show me what they are talking about and they will guide me to the plain wall in the corner, where there are no toys or drawings or anything at all and be really into it...again no clue? Its a blank wall?? I don't get it. So I am really playing along and I feel bad when our little moment is over, they walk away happy and I am confused and feeling guilty that I cant understand them...I'm the mom I should know what they are saying? Does it hurt them that I pretend too? Should I try harder to get them to speak better, more clearly so that one day I will understand and maybe other people might too? But that's a lot of work...and they are happy and I am happy to play along for now. Who knows maybe I should examine that wall a little closer, perhaps I am missing something?

To be unfriended

A few years ago if a casual friend didnt want to be so casually friendly anymore, they may just avoid you at the grocery store, stop inviting you to their"candle parties" or pretend not to see you as they drive down the road while you wave to them from the sidewalk. If your like me, you may not think much of this, of couse almost anything can be explained away with one excuse or another, trying to convince yourself thats is not you, dont take it personally, dont have your feelings hurt by it all. People are busy, people have homes and children and husbands and jobs and dogs that need tending too and so life goes on and you contine to live in your happy bubble, oblivious to the fact that someone out there doesnt really like you.
And then came facebook. Which I LOVE, its saved me a lot of therapy money as a good outlet to vent and visit and stay in touch, really to stay sane these days... however today I casually went to write a message to a casual friend and noticed that we were no longer friends . hmm.
" +ADD AS FRIEND"
almost yelling at me from the computer...add as friend....I thought we were friends. Well that sucks. I was going to ask you to order me more eye cream from that lady you know...darn...Now this blaring truth Is just one of those things that cant be explained away or that you can make up an excuse for... Someone made a concious decision to click delete, the confirm the delete. I really shouldnt take it personally right? Some people really do only have good friends on facebook right, maybe this person just wants to have really good friends on here not just casual ones...so she must have...lets see now....154....154 really good friends and no casual ones?? Um, yes, thats not making me feel better.. Ok ...well I shouldnt dwell on it but it really does suck. I wonder if there should be some kind of facebook ettiquite? Like, dont delete the "friends" you will most likley run into? Dont delete the ones that you still have mutual friends with? Would it kill you to keep me on your list? Maybe just hide me from your newfeeds etc...see this is what I would do, then I can not be annoyed by you, but you, the hidden one, would never know...not that I do this...really I dont...Jeez! Isnt this Soooo pathetic of me trying to come up with a way that you cruel friend deleter could have spared my feelings? Clearly because you care in the slightest that my feelings are hurt...I would have spared yours but thats just me. So you know next time I happen to see you at Safeway or at the bank or the school I am going to give you a big smile and a wave and say hi!! how are you!! So good to see you!! Too bad you cant delete me in real too huh!?
Oh well, I am letting it go....I hope.
:)